Friday, December 08, 2006

George W. Bush "Elite Force Aviator"

by Herman B. Hayes

Christmas time is here again, readers, and this year the selection of toys to give your children is better than ever.

It is important to only give your little ones toys that are pleasing in the eyes of the Lord, and we at Conservatives for American Values will help you make the right choices. God will be judging you based on your Jesus-Day decisions, so choose well. The toy below is sure to make God happy, and also should please your children.

The George W. Bush “Elite Force Aviator” twelve inch action figure is my favorite toy this Christmas-Holy-Jesus-Day.

Imagine the delight on your child’s face as they imagine their beloved President making a perfect landing on the pitching deck of an aircraft carrier. We all know that President “Splash One Bandit” Bush is a real American fighting man, but sometimes this is a hard concept to get across to our children. It may surprise you to know that your kids have no idea that our brave President made not one, not two, but seven bombing runs on Iraqi targets before making that feather-perfect landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln. As we all remember, President Bush then informed the world that the fight in Iraq was over, and that he had accomplished the mission.

After taking off from the carrier, he then attacked three more targets, this time striking the terrorists that instantly, and unexpectedly, sprung up in the wake of his victory declaration.

With his F-15 badly damaged and burning furiously our Brave Bush ditched his aircraft into the Persian Gulf, just to see what it was like to cut-and-run. He vowed never to cut and run again. Since that day our Unwavering Commander has spent every free moment personally fighting the terrorists in Iraq. Some foolish liberals think that when our President takes a vacation, he is actually going to relax. Not so, as we good conservatives know.

President “I am Gonna Kill Em All, Laura” Bush never rests, and he never will until the last terrorist in Iraq is dead at his rough and manly hands.

Your child needs to know that someone out there is keeping them safe. I know, it took me almost a week to calm my children down after they found out that Democrats are going to control Congress. Our kids need a hero, and George W. Bush is that man. I imagine they will come out with an entire line of George W. Bush action figures, and I cannot wait to give them to my children, even the girls. I hope to see these ones in the near future:

George W. Bush, Navy Seal: This toy would come with a little piece of rope that your offspring could use to silently garrote a “Jihad Joe” terrorist action figure, or a Barbie who got a little bit too lippy, and tipped of some Jihadist to Bush’s mission.

George W. Bush, Green Beret Sniper: Envision your child’s delight when he imagines being the spotter for our Most Accurate President when he drops a terrorist, or at least someone with a turban, from 2,000 yards out. Press the button on the back of the toy, and your child will get a greeting from the President himself. My favorite is “You gotta kill em, there, kid, or they will kill you when you go try to go poo-poo here.”

George W. Bush, S.W.A.T. Officer: Your eyes will well up with parental pride when you hear your son yelling “Get on the ground, Mohammed, or whatever, you twitch, you die, terrorist scumbag!!!” Your child will spend hours and hours with George, kicking down doors, and shoving the optional “Terror-Toy Muslim Family” figures into the S.W.A.T. van and taking them off to Guantanamo.

Our Great Leader has been keeping America safe since Vietnam, when he defended the skies of the Great American South from a planned Viet Cong incursion. Let George W. Bush help you have a Merry Christmas this year, and let him defend your children’s bedrooms from the “imaginary” Muslims lurking in the closet.

104 Comments:

At December 08, 2006 10:12 PM, Anonymous Tony Snowjob said...

Thanks for the info. These new toys will make a great addition to my Conservative Heroes collection. One can only wait and see, if any of these new action figures become the instant classic that the original George W Bush, Vietnam War/Alabama Theatre, Flyboy did.

In case anyone's interested, I do have two of these rare 1970's era Flyboy figures and will be offering one on Ebay soon.

 
At December 09, 2006 5:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My questions is whether these hero action figures will be as uh... "manly" as our brave President. Because you know, if theys nootered like Ken dolls that woldn't send the rite msg to our kids about him lookin like a girl down there. And you knows how kids is always takin off they dolls clothes. Cept it ain't a doll! But ifn the Heroic President Action Figure has uh... realistic manhood, what might happen if my boy was to touch it? Wood he tarn gay? Caint they glue on the unnerwears or somethin?

 
At December 09, 2006 8:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

An 1 more thing. He's not gonna have the fingers like GI Joe with the thum curled rount like he was gonna ...you know... grip a fleshly pistol is he? And GI Joe look like he coulda holt a big un. And thats jes gay!

 
At December 09, 2006 4:41 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

So is there going to be a little Laura "Pickles"Bush doll so our kids can play house with them, and put them to bed and straddling each other? How about Jenna and Barb, will there be anatomically correct dolls for them too? Damn, I hope so.

 
At December 09, 2006 10:30 PM, Anonymous Faithful Follower said...

As soon as I saw this on that left leaning, evil, nazi loving web site, thinkprogress.com, I immediately logged onto the Sears web site and bought out these awe inspiring patriotic gifts for everyone on my list.

Since I'm waiting for the Rapture here in my bunker (since those un-washed hippy scum Demoncrats won the House and the Senate) I've had to do all of my shopping on line. I was amazed to see those heathens advertising such an appropriate gift, fun for the whole family!

I even ordered one for myself...tee hee! He'll play so nicely with my Jesse Ventura action figure.

Gotta go, the UPS guy is here.....

 
At December 09, 2006 11:23 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

And, for the next 911 callers, they'll get this Marine hostage, FREE!

Hours of conservative, Republican fun, your kids will have, as George Bush bravely sends proxies to secretly negotiate to release this brave member of our armed forces.

Order now!

 
At December 10, 2006 11:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These sound like great Christmas and Holiday gifts for children of the Right and Left.
I hope that they don't have parts that would make it easy for children to choke; lit the Mark Foley doll.

 
At December 10, 2006 11:36 AM, Anonymous reagabeast said...

I actually own this doll and proudly display it with the presidential Bush that talks when you press his American Flag pin on the lapel. These wonderful action figures make my living room seem more hoity-toity... oh.. and the "Mission Accomplished" action figure had a mighty life-sized cod piece. Oh Happy Day!

 
At December 10, 2006 12:16 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Anonymous 11:29a.m.-if you catch your kids with a part in their mouth they might choke on, just cut it off. If everything on the doll is in the exact size of the original, though, you probably don't have anything to worry about.

 
At December 10, 2006 7:02 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Herman: Alas, every George W. Bush action figure has been sold out. But, I did order an action figure of another American hero: Donald Rumsfeld

This one even talks!

"I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it's what I said."

 
At December 12, 2006 12:32 AM, Blogger Scott from Oregon said...

Does the doll come with its own speech writer?

I won't want one if it talks on its own...

 
At December 12, 2006 9:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was kinda hoping for one with a Nukular option - Daring Dubya could push a button and turn the enemy nation into a barren, flat, glassy, desert. But with no infidels. That's what God wants us to do, isn't it, kill millions of infidels in a Nukular war so that Jesus comes back?

 
At December 14, 2006 9:35 PM, Blogger DJN said...

Hilarious.

 
At December 16, 2006 6:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This one was boring. I couldn't even read the whole thing.

 
At January 05, 2007 10:33 PM, Blogger dusty said...

Did you guys get jailed for insider trading or some shit? Come on...give us something new..we miss you guys.

 
At January 07, 2007 12:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Perhaps Messrs. Hayes and Steele were taken prisoner during the War Against Christmas!

 
At January 16, 2007 10:09 PM, Anonymous steadfast republican said...

Come on guys, come back, really i need something once in a while

 
At January 17, 2007 2:12 AM, Blogger Rudy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At January 17, 2007 6:40 PM, Anonymous Mark said...

George W. Bush, Social Security Reformer. Comes complete with green eyeshade, adding machine, sack of money (not legal tender) and miniature 1976 national census. Have hours of fun and develop useful math skills helping The Preznit reform Social Security so that poor people get even less and rich people get valuable tax shelters! Take George to the bank to deposit the day's take of commissions from grateful investment brokerages. Don't forget to take along another armed George W. Bush action figure to protect Social Security Reformer George from any liberals he might meet on the way, who want to steal his money and raise your taxes.

 
At January 23, 2007 9:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok not cool

Guys, please come back

 
At January 30, 2007 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have a Republican friend in Congress who is interested in a life-sized inflatable version, anatomically correct. Know where he might get himself one of them Bush-Dolls? Discrete-like. You Know.

 
At January 31, 2007 4:02 AM, Blogger Rudy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At February 03, 2007 12:35 AM, Blogger Bukko_in_Australia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At February 09, 2007 6:34 PM, Anonymous krazeedr said...

Do you think in the wave of the Democratic takeover in DC, our intrepid heroes became so distraught they threw themselves under a train? I miss them terribly! Please return to us! Where else can I get my news in such a remarkably unbiased and even handed tone???

 
At February 10, 2007 10:02 PM, Anonymous http://tommason.spaces.live.com said...

Oooo, I want the whole collection

 
At February 12, 2007 5:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a wonderful vibrator.

I could shove one of these in for two mins, thirty seconds and it will have me moannnnin' and squealin' in ecstacy for hours - just as Georgie's real nuk il leer device does for Babs.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. :-)

This is a must have accessory for the modern mercernary.

Lara Lube (Ireland)

Chieftain and Leprehauness.

 
At February 19, 2007 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about a Rudy Giuliani action figure? Complete with New York Fire Dept. baseball cap, just like on 9/11 when he singlehandedly saved the rest of New York City in time for lunch? If so, will it come with a Twin Towers playset that at the press of a button self-destructs with pre-planted explosives, just like the real Twin Towers?

 
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At April 07, 2007 12:00 AM, Blogger Jolly Roger said...

I do wish you guys would come back :(

 
At April 19, 2007 1:57 AM, Blogger Simmo said...

Serious question: Are you on any type of medication at all? Seriously dude.

Either way though, you provide some great entertainment, especially this article, well done!

Feel free to add me to the 'enemies of God' list if you like, I don't mind since you can't really be an enemy of someone that doesn't exist.

 
At April 21, 2007 1:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It baffles me, how a "Christian" can buy such a thing for their child. America is not Christian, there is no idealogical charactaristic it shares with Christianity. Quite the contrary. Why not buy them a Dare Devil doll and the writings of Anton Le'Vay too, while your at it.

 
At April 21, 2007 1:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anton Le'Vay, now theres a red white and blue blooded all american boy for ya. An Anton doll would sell for riches here. BTW I am Christian, and like few, I take my beleif in an omnipotent GOD verry seriously in my life.

 
At May 03, 2007 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA You americans are so funny, (Please note, no capital letter for "america", you don’t deserve it)

-Second post;
"Wood he turn gay?" HAHAHA, Spelling like a 3 year old, and he has a son??? In response, yes he "wood" turn gay. God created a rule that any boy who touches a penis will automatically turn gay.... Its in the bible, you could find it yourself...If you could read!

I hereby start a petition to; revoke the independence of the united states of america.

You kids just can’t be left alone!
(Dam colonials)

Oh and did you guys hear that imaginary story about Jesus…. There is a really funny ending, (You will never guess what happened) he gets nailed to some “wood” HAHAHAHA

 
At May 21, 2007 5:33 AM, Blogger Internet-Marketing said...

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At May 26, 2007 12:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really hope this site is some sort of elaborate joke. It has to be, nobody could believe this mindless drivel.

 
At May 26, 2007 12:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My bad, I see now this is satire. Really had me fooled for a second as some nutjobs actually think this way. Kudos to the good writing on this site, you got me.

 
At July 07, 2007 3:42 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

I think it is quite telling that the only reaction from the left to Michael and Herman's well thought out posts are smear remarks rather than any cognitive argument. "Nutjobs", "joke", "insanity", "parody", "hate speech", "douches". I've read all of these remarks and more. Where's the so-called "tolerance" of liberals that we hear so much about? Why so quick to spew forth such vitriol at two men whose only crime is to try and reawaken the Christian conscience of America and bring the country back in line with the dreams of our Founding Fathers? I think I know the reason for such intolerance: Liberals know that on judgment day Jesus shall tie each and every one of them to a stake and set them alight. For Jesus has no forgiveness for sinners. But, is that any reason to attack Michael and Herman? Wouldn't it be better to take their words to heart and repent? While this won't save your soul it would sure make you people less annoying to the rest of us.

 
At July 24, 2007 9:29 AM, Blogger Rudy said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At July 27, 2007 4:29 AM, Blogger Jayson said...

Oh no, this blog died. Pity, it was so brilliant.

 
At August 01, 2007 10:52 PM, Blogger Stoned said...

I'm getting my kids the
Buddy Jesus
... I just wish he came with a flight suit instead of a toga.

 
At August 02, 2007 5:13 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was actually one of your more brilliant posts. Anyone who disagrees is a liberal turd stuffer.

JAYSON.

 
At August 12, 2007 10:14 PM, Blogger Scott-O-Rama said...

It appears that you are no longer updating your blog (boooooo!).

In an effort to keep my blogroll fresh and up-to-date, I’m going to remove your site from it.

If in the future you start blogging again, just let me know and I’ll add you back.

Hope all is well. Please keep in touch.

 
At September 29, 2007 1:18 AM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

boys your blog appeared at the top of my blogroll which means it's updated. did some troll just comment, or are you really back?

I've got some naked pictures of me to send to Herman and I haven't been able to track him down.

I need his prayers! Stat!

 
At November 30, 2007 7:17 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Blue Gal: You look more purple than blue. Tell Tinky Winky we know that he was in on the Falwell hit.

 
At December 08, 2007 11:45 PM, Blogger Dusty said...

Ok you fuckwits..its been a year to the day since you last posted.

You have to be running out of money by now down in Aruba..get back to work for Christ's sake!

 
At December 10, 2007 2:38 PM, Blogger Diana said...

The objectives of the invasion, according to U.S. President George W. Bush, were "to disarm Iraq of weapons of mass destruction [WMD], to end Saddam Hussein's support for terrorism, and to free the Iraqi people." Bush said the actual trigger was Iraq's failure to take a “final opportunity” to disarm itself of nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons that U.S. and coalition officials called an immediate and intolerable threat to world peace. sportsbook, No such weapons were found. In January 2005, the Iraq Survey Group concluded that Iraq had ended its WMD programs in 1991 and had no WMD at the time of the invasion; although some misplaced or abandoned remnants of pre-1991 production were found, U.S. government spokespeople confirmed that these were not the weapons for which the U.S. "went to war". http://www.enterbet.com

 
At February 20, 2008 3:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, at first I thought you were kidding but you really have consumed some serious amounts of kool-aid. WOW. Someday I pray you learn to think all by yourself.

 
At March 03, 2008 11:38 PM, Blogger Donald said...

Thanks for another great post CFAV. you shoudl check our blog out at ATGOT.blogspot.com. I think we have a lot in commmon, both good solid conservative blogs.

Thanks for being a great american, this is to you!

 
At April 23, 2008 12:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

AS A REAL CONSERVATIVE all I can say is I wish George Bush would bomb this internet thingy ma bob that yer on, where ever you are. probably in RUSSIA. You think a George Bush doll is funny stuff, huh?, it would look more funny IN YOUR FANNY, you liberal "hope mongers". You WILL NOT get the White House, despite all your little trivial amusements. Hillary will keep us elites in power, if not we're cracking McCain to get "more Wallstreet savy". There will be no Barrack Dolls in '09, so forget about it!

 
At July 29, 2008 3:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha i want one of these so i can have an epic battle with Godzilla vs. Bush vs. Jesus

 
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At March 11, 2009 11:55 PM, Anonymous inoall said...

That heathen above better stop using my phone number as her monicker.

How's that Google Analytics working Mike and Herman?

 
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