Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Santorum and the Republicans Win by a Landslide!

by Herman B. Hayes

Rick Santorum has defeated Bob Casey by one of the largest margins in the history of Pennsylvania! God has once again proven that the Republican Party is the only true path to follow, and all will remain right, literally, with the world. We have won, Christian Soldiers, and victory is ours !

In the final tally, Bobby "How Could This Happen To Me?" Casey received only 20% of the vote in Pennsylvania! Even people who had claimed to be Democrats finally came to their senses and realized the Bob Casey is probably a slightly worse being than even Satan himself. I guess it just makes sense. Why would you ever vote for a man who wants to take away your guns, let homosexuals sodomize you and your sons, and who will let Osama be his chief advisor? We all knew that Rick Santorum was the man to vote for, and it pleases me that my state has not become the site of an embarrassing defeat for the Neo-Conservative crusade against evil. Pennsylvania is, and ever shall remain, a Red State.

Another factor in today’s crushing defeat of Bobby-Satan-Casey could have been the weather.

Slight drizzle prevailed over much of the state today, and as we all know, that kind of horrible weather is all it takes to keep weak-willed little liberals snug in their beds. Beds, that is, that are not crawling with jihadists due to the hard work of the Republican Party and real men like Rick Santorum. God has smiled upon us once again by unleashing a Heavenly assault of fine particles of rain upon Pennsylvania. Thank you for the misty sprinkles of Your love.

It was not just Pennsylvania, though, that the Republicans did so well in. All across this good and holy land, conservatives defeated the forces of the Devil in 89% of all races.

I guess people really do understand that we are winning in Iraq, and people are able to grasp the vile Democratic concepts of homosexual evil, forced sodomy, the myth of global warming, and so on and so forth down the line. I am simply astounded that in 11% of races held today, the forces of pure evil were able to prevail. I guess that some people just don’t understand that when you see a “D” by the name of a candidate, you might as well substitute a “T” for Taliban.

Tonight the Hayes home will be a house of celebration as we raise a toast to Senator Santorum-of-Christ, and all the Republican candidates who did so very well today.

Republicans from all over the state will be there, and we will be happy for an evening before we begin the hard work of crushing evil and preventing flag burning and anal sex again on Wednesday. Finally, the Democrats have been crushed. They will never recover, and that is reason enough for me to raise my glass.

Our drinks will be poured by minimum wage workers, who make $5.15 an hour, which is enough for any family if you spend it right and don't waste money.

In his concession speech earlier this evening, Bobby "Oh So Many Tears" Casey tried to convince us that he was proud of his campaign staffers. It will be a dark day when I coddle my lazy and shiftless runaways from the welfare rolls when they fail me at my refinery, or at my poolside bar. They did not do well, Mr. Casey, and they did not "try their best". They failed, you failed, and you should never show your face in public again. God has spoken, Mr. Casey, and he has declared you too liberal for heaven, and just liberal enough for Hell.

A note from Herman: I am writing this post a little bit early, since I am throwing a lavish victory celebration this evening. The numbers and statistics that I use are subject to change, but I doubt they will change by very much.

Update: Due to certain technical issues, our victory celebration has been cancelled.

39 Comments:

At November 07, 2006 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Holy shit you are retarded!

You would follow a rotten bowl of fruit if it said it loved jesus. Ahhh the easily lead. Have fun being exploited! :)

 
At November 07, 2006 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am Satan.

You need to shutup now.

 
At November 07, 2006 12:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love this site, both for the commentary in the blog itself and to see the outraged reactions from all those who miss the note that says everything on here is satire.

Keep up the good work!

 
At November 07, 2006 12:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worst part about good satire is that there are actually people out there who think like that. And a few others who believe this stuff even if you don't say it.

 
At November 07, 2006 1:05 PM, Anonymous Vet for God said...

God save George Bush, for without this victory the terrarist will be raping our little boys by christmas.

 
At November 07, 2006 1:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Santorum can't win - Tweety promised me a Churchillian concession speech! or was that ChurchSHRILLIAN??

 
At November 07, 2006 1:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well said brother! It brings tears of well earned faith to hear such words of truth. I was just discussing the holy war to show the golden light of Jesus to the faithless infidels of Babalon with an athiest dog of a co-worked who actually believed that our holy eternal leader had started this war. It was with great surprise that this foolish Defeat-o-crate did not realize that we had always been at war with Iraq.

BTW - please excuse my typing impediment. Just reverse everything that I said.

 
At November 07, 2006 2:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"God is Great."

 
At November 07, 2006 2:07 PM, Blogger Sean C said...

Fucking hilarious!

 
At November 07, 2006 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank jesus, another miracle delivered to the faithful. praise jesus and george bush. maybe now i will be free of those visions i've been having of hot buff homosexual sodomists tying me down and forcing me to sin over and over and over again. don't. stop. please. please don't stop...

 
At November 07, 2006 4:51 PM, Anonymous Nico said...

Yeah satire, great stuff.

It's a little difficult in this case to pull it off. Since the point of satire is to exaggerate the subject, and make fun of it, that technique fails here. Obviously the more you exaggerate the current republican partisan, the more accurate your comments are.

 
At November 08, 2006 9:21 AM, Blogger thomas said...

Whew, I am so relieved. I was watching the Biased Liberal Media and actually believed that the sky had fallen. So glad to know they were just lying, AGAIN!

 
At November 08, 2006 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

We finally found out where Bagdad Bob relocated to. He is running this website!

 
At November 08, 2006 3:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As Jean Schmidt was overheard to gasp upon the finish line:
I'll get You My pretty,and Your little dog too!

 
At November 08, 2006 7:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Huh?? The MSM said Santorum lost! I just cant believe the MSM can get away with such decietful stories and not be held accountable. Someone must pay. I think each and every journalist from the MSM (except FOX, of, course) must be water-boarded to find out who knew the real story and who decided to tell the lie. I will pray tonight for God to destroy all the non-Christians in the MSM......

 
At November 08, 2006 8:31 PM, Anonymous Word of God said...

Hmmmm.....Well now seeing that Santorum in fact LOST by a landslide as well as the Republicans in the Congress, I guess God is showing us that in fact the Democrats are the true people of God and the Republicans have fallen from Grace.

 
At November 08, 2006 8:57 PM, Blogger Matt P. said...

Hee Hee. You guys are so funny.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the comedy team of Oliver Hayes and Stanley Steele.
They are just fresh back from a tour of Delusion Hall. Where they actually believe the Republicans had a chance to win.
Oh my, they musta forgot one of the 37 inalienable truths: if you stay in power alomg enough people will catch onto you.
Ho ho ho. Merry christmas!

 
At November 08, 2006 11:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ho ho ho...Matt P is a stupid fuckhead who didn't read that this is satire, even though there are disclaimers everywhere. Ho ho ho, Merry Fuckhead-Day!!!

 
At November 08, 2006 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank funnyness this blog is a satire. Because if it wasn't, I would have to start praying even harder.

 
At November 09, 2006 9:28 AM, Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Yeah, "Rapture Rick" got flipped, but not to worry-the dems still haven't settled on a message. Another Godly type can probably get rid of Specter in a couple of years.

 
At November 09, 2006 1:16 PM, Blogger Matt P. said...

Hey Anonymous, you couldn't get through one whole sentence before you had to use profanity. Yet, you just can't wait to point out the supposed faults of anyone who disagree with you.
Doesn't the Bible say, first remove the stick out of your own eye before you try to remove the little splinter from someone else's eye? Then you will be able to see better.
Matthew 7: 3-5

 
At November 09, 2006 1:35 PM, Blogger Matt P. said...

The Democrats did not beat the Republicans. They beat themselves.
The public just got tired of all their lies, corruption, and arrogant attitude.
Those you put in power presented fake credentials to get themselves in power. They are not Christians nor Conservatives. The public finally realized they been had.

 
At November 09, 2006 3:02 PM, Anonymous Zuerich Queen said...

ROTFL!!! This is a helluva damn hilarious blog site. Keep it up folks, IT WORKED, the world is now starting to breathe again in relief.

 
At November 09, 2006 3:23 PM, Blogger Sally said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At November 09, 2006 9:10 PM, Blogger Matt P. said...

I remember a few weeks back, when content moderator was invoked, the people who run this site, completely changed the meaning and wording of one of my posts. And then piously posted it under my name to infer that I agreed with them.
Satire is one thing, but, complete dishonesty is definitely not satire and always wrong. These people wouldn't know a Christian even if God pointed one out to them.

 
At November 09, 2006 9:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is there anyway that I can change my vote once it has been cast?
I immediately regretted voting for Casey when, as soon as I left the voting booth, my entire family was sodomized and murdered by some crazed homosexual Jihadist. God, I wish that I voted for Santorum.

 
At November 09, 2006 10:56 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

You know, I saw a picture of Santorum's little girl holding an American Girl doll. American Girl is involved with Girls, Inc., a lesbian feminist group. Someone tell Santorum now!

 
At November 09, 2006 11:47 PM, Blogger Sally said...

Liberal Media is saying that Republicans have lost control of the House and Senate and that Rumsfeld resigned...this nation is in grave danger!

 
At November 11, 2006 12:03 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

Do you think Santorum will still run for President? Surely, America needs him more than ever now!

 
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