Tuesday, October 31, 2006

We Must Do What it Takes to Win

by Herman B. Hayes

Here we are readers, in the final stretch of the election cycle. We are solidly in the lead, and it looks like very little can stand in our way. So, while Satan-loving-leftists and their unfortunate children are dressing up as demons, ghouls and liberal ax murderers going door to door begging for food, let us take a moment to examine how we can make sure we win this year.

The fact of the matter is simple: Politics has nothing to do with how you play the game. I hear people telling their children that winning is not the important part of a competitive activity, and then they say some stupid little platitude about it being “how you play the game.” No, no, no, that is just some banal phrase that silly lefties use to explain to their children that it is ok to be a wishy-washy little doormat for my Republican children to wipe their blessed feet on.

Winning is, in fact, everything. Nothing that we do, as Republicans, is wrong or amoral if we win. You, the man on the street, can do so much to help our cause, and if you want to live in a free society where no one is allowed or encouraged to sodomize you every time you leave your house, you will.

There is nothing wrong with bending the truth in order to ensure a win. I personally am a big fan of having my people hang flyers for a Republican candidate on telephone poles in Democratic neighborhoods. Just make sure you put the wrong date on the flyer, and there you go. Even if someone with half a brain notices and complains, there will be no ramifications. Remember, it is not election “fraud” if you screw up a flyer for your own candidate. If all you liberals out there are too stupid to know that Election Day is November 8, 2007, then it is not my problem. That is right, Democrats, in case no one has mentioned it yet, you are expected to get out there and do your civic duty. See you at the polls on the eighth of November, I hope!

Urban areas are traditionally strongholds of the left, since they enjoy things such as drugs and prostitution. Aside from using the fake signs, another way to help keep down the vote in an urban area is to put up flyers offering "free chicken and a forty" with directions leading people away from polling places.

Remember, nothing we can do is wrong; we are the Party of God! God helps those who help themselves to the spoils of political victory. If we let the Democrats win, then all is lost. You will be subjected to depravity the likes of which the world has never seen. Death squads will be seen as a blessed relief by the time the sodomy squads, abortion squads, and Chomsky squads have had their way with you. Your children will be sent to “Evolution Schools” where all knowledge of the Bible and of God will be drummed out of their heads. Your job will be taken away, and given to someone who will tell you to “cleen ooot you desk, mang, ees meen now, mang”, and you will have no choice but to comply. “Vote for Pedro” shirts will no longer be a humorous item. Hippies will be allowed to eat in any restaurant they want, and they might even be able to share drinking fountains with us! We must not allow this to come to pass.

Get out there and suppress that vote, Christian Soldiers. There is only so much that Diebold and our other friends can do. The rest is up to us, and God.


At October 31, 2006 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dude, YOU, yes you, OUT OF THE GENE POOL!

At October 31, 2006 12:55 PM, Anonymous Swordsbane said...

This is either a useless joke (one among many) or the scariest web site I have eer come across.

At October 31, 2006 1:37 PM, Anonymous Asianrage said...

That's hilarious. I'm glad I read the little blurb that said: "this is written as satire, and should be taken as that."

At October 31, 2006 1:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't you feel the love from this Godly Conservative.

At October 31, 2006 2:09 PM, Blogger dysfirkin said...

brilliant. need to include more information on GOP tactics like push polling and that Floridian favorite, voter lists

At October 31, 2006 3:35 PM, Anonymous Samwise Galenorn said...

For Halloween, I'll dress up as a liberal, and scare Republican kids. ('Wouldn't guaranteed national health care be nice little one?')
Or even scarier, I can dress up as the national debt, and once again, scare Republican kids. ('You have to pay me off... oooohhh...')
yeah yeah yeah...

At October 31, 2006 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly, I don't get it. It does not work as satire, the jokes are tired. Are there really so many people who identify so strongly with either political party? Most people I know think both parties suck - neither represents how most American's feel about anything, if they ever did. Watching politics now is like watching professional wrestling was when I was 12, and just starting to realize that most of it is not actually real...

At October 31, 2006 8:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Chanelling the spirit of the Colbert Report right into the blogosphere. Good work, CfAV!

At October 31, 2006 9:57 PM, Anonymous dave said...

Too close to the truth to be funny.

It sounds like my wingnut paranoid personality gun in every room of the house brother wrote it.

gives me the heebejeebies.

At October 31, 2006 10:46 PM, Anonymous johnozed said...

great salvation store!

At October 31, 2006 11:01 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

Colbert? I'm sorry. CFAV was there first.

Gentlemen, I had the opportunity at my own humble blog to celebrate Mr. Santorum and his surprisingly soft hands, which were, of course, lauded by Mrs. Cheney. I'm sure much of Mrs. Cheney's recent statements were in a misguided effort to make you proud.

At November 01, 2006 1:28 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

I can't wait for November 8th when Republicans turn out in mass to annihilate the Democratic terrorists.

At November 01, 2006 2:07 AM, Anonymous joe b. said...

the saddest thing about all of this? there are actual people (if you can call them that) out there that may agree with this... now THAT'S a scary thought on Halloween....

At November 01, 2006 5:55 AM, Anonymous Darren7160 said...

Sadly, what makes for good satire is a kernel of truth.

At November 01, 2006 6:56 AM, Anonymous Johnny Chronicle said...

This would be funnier if it weren't so close to the truth!

At November 01, 2006 9:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I nearly vomited my cheerios up until I read the bit on its satirical nature.

Too many folk here in my area believe entirely too much of this junk.

Anonymous from maine

At November 01, 2006 10:49 AM, Anonymous Chip said...

Is anyone else reminded of the time about a year ago when some idiot ranted in her blog about the pro-abortion article in THE ONION? Gee...

At November 01, 2006 11:11 AM, Anonymous Sad Blog U have said...

You are whats wrong with this country. I hope this is Satire.

At November 01, 2006 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't any of you "morans" read the disclaimer? Liberals lose because they are too quick to judge.

At November 01, 2006 5:39 PM, Blogger People in the Sun said...

Actually, as much as I agree with your post, you make one big mistake separating God from Diebold. God gave them the job because he has a plan. In that plan, there is no room for Liberals, especially "dog lover" Bob Casey.

God speed.

At November 02, 2006 5:38 PM, Blogger Gerald Fnord said...

Kudos, gentlemen. In these dark, dark days, when Dear Leader and his God-appointed administration are under attack on all sides, when 58% of Americans hate America, it is heartening to know that there are still good, patriotic Americans such as yourselves around to defend Him to the bitter end. And thank the Baby Jesus that Diebold is ready and able to correct ill-considered votes and reassign them to God's Own Party, where they belong.

At November 03, 2006 2:27 AM, Anonymous Pastor Ted Haggard said...

I hire hairless boys to poop in my mouth.

Jesus approves! God save the Republican party! I eat poop!

At November 04, 2006 3:07 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

It is so vital that the Republicans capture a supermajority in both houses. Only then will we be able to shut down the New York Times and keep that propaganda paper from distributing "how to" instructions for making an atomic bomb to our enemies.

At November 05, 2006 8:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excuse me. I have a problem with you posting "Pegan Temple"'s page. Why would you give that lame-o free advertising. Take it down. It's just retarded. Besides, Pegan Temple doesn't even know how to read and is probably gay. I'm serious! I want that link down. Thanks

At November 15, 2007 7:00 PM, Blogger ecrof nogard said...

lol, you guys. Don't take this so seriously! It's a satire site poking fun at far-far-right conservatives that even the conservatives can't stand! Liberals, this is not an opportunity to say "yeah! that's how it is!" I am a pretty strong conservative, but think that this blog is utterly ridiculous, so, SETTLE DOWN! We don't need anymore fighting. Conservatives and liberals alike should be able to have a good laugh and enjoy the joke instead of breaking out into a fight after every blog!
lol and have a good day!

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