by Herman B. HayesOur most recent Honest-to-God Poll© tells a very different story than the Satanist mainstream media. Republicans are going to mop the floor with those foolish little liberals this year. There will be no flip-flopping of the House or the Senate…we leave that to the liberals.
No, there is not going to be a landslide of Democratic wins, nor will there be a tidal wave, tsunami, or very large ripple. There will be massive flooding, however, by which I mean a massive flood of Republican victories. Let’s take a look at the questions and the responses. Our questions, of course, are not intended to inflence the answers given.
“Would you rather vote for a Republican, or would you rather let a Democrat sodomize members of your family? If you are gay, simply indicate that you are hellbound, and we will move on to the next question.”
Not surprisingly, 73% of those polled indicated that they would vote for a Republican before they would let a Democrat sodomize a loved-one. This kind of landslide has a name in the political world, and it is called a “mandate.” 25% of those remaining asked whether the family member was male or female, and many asked if they could watch. I am going to assume that these were the Democrats we called. One gentleman from
“Everyone knows that Republicans will keep you safe, and everyone knows that Democrats will cede their leadership to the Taliban if they are elected. How does that make you feel?”
Open ended questions are difficult to do when polling. However, it works well if you lump the answers into groups, and the results are still telling. 20% said that they were enraged by this, and that they would leave their ramshackle trailer on Election Day, walk to the polling place in their tattered shoes, and vote for Bush. I did not have the heart to tell them that we cannot re-elect Bush until 2008, but you understand their fervor. 50% laughed at this question, apparently thinking that it was funny. Yes, really, nothing is funnier to me than making sure we have enough turbans lying around for our new leaders. On the upside, at least Nancy Pelosi would have no chance in Hell of being Speaker of the House if the Taliban was in charge. The remaining thirty percent muttered insults at our pollsters, and hung up, presumably to commit the Sin of Onan and eat Doritos.
“Who do you consider a bigger threat to your security, Democrats or terrorists? Keep in mind that terrorists have guns and bombs, while democrats are channels for all the evil energies of Satan, and, as we all know, have disgusting sexual habits, use drugs, and want to melt your guns into homosexual playthings.”
60% of those polled postulated that terrorists were the larger threat to their security. It is safe for us to consider that these respondents are all Democrats, since only a Democrat would dare to make the claim that terrorism has not been destroyed by President Bush and the War for the Peace and Freedom and Happiness and Ecstatic Joy of Iraq. Republicans can use terror in campaign speeches, however, to remind the people to be afraid of their own shadow, a shadow that only a conservative can protect them from. We know that is an effective campaign tool. 39% claim that Democrats are a bigger threat to their safety. These are the good God fearing Republicans of the lot, who know that a Democrat is the most terrifying thing a man, woman, or especially a child will ever face. Remember, though, my friends, we have something that they do not…a faith and trust in God and the Second Amendment. The remaining one percent declined to answer, in effect saying that they were too stupid to be afraid of anything. Apparently they have never stumbled upon an image of Hillary Clinton in a bathing suit.
So there we have it, the truth about the American political scene, brought to you by the Conservatives for American Values Honest-to-God Poll©. You know you can trust us, and you know you can trust your honestly elected Republican leaders. Election time is close, followers, and it is time to cover this nation in red! Red as in victories for us, of course, not red as in blood flowing freely from the victims of the Democrats…