Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Republicans Lead in the Honest-to-God Poll.

by Herman B. Hayes

Our most recent Honest-to-God Poll© tells a very different story than the Satanist mainstream media. Republicans are going to mop the floor with those foolish little liberals this year. There will be no flip-flopping of the House or the Senate…we leave that to the liberals.

No, there is not going to be a landslide of Democratic wins, nor will there be a tidal wave, tsunami, or very large ripple. There will be massive flooding, however, by which I mean a massive flood of Republican victories. Let’s take a look at the questions and the responses. Our questions, of course, are not intended to inflence the answers given.

“Would you rather vote for a Republican, or would you rather let a Democrat sodomize members of your family? If you are gay, simply indicate that you are hellbound, and we will move on to the next question.”

Not surprisingly, 73% of those polled indicated that they would vote for a Republican before they would let a Democrat sodomize a loved-one. This kind of landslide has a name in the political world, and it is called a “mandate.” 25% of those remaining asked whether the family member was male or female, and many asked if they could watch. I am going to assume that these were the Democrats we called. One gentleman from Florida did, however, ask if he could sodomize someone young and male. This man identified himself as a Republican, but he must have been lying. The final two percent identified themselves as either gay or stupid by hanging up the phone, and probably crying themselves to sleep.

“Everyone knows that Republicans will keep you safe, and everyone knows that Democrats will cede their leadership to the Taliban if they are elected. How does that make you feel?”

Open ended questions are difficult to do when polling. However, it works well if you lump the answers into groups, and the results are still telling. 20% said that they were enraged by this, and that they would leave their ramshackle trailer on Election Day, walk to the polling place in their tattered shoes, and vote for Bush. I did not have the heart to tell them that we cannot re-elect Bush until 2008, but you understand their fervor. 50% laughed at this question, apparently thinking that it was funny. Yes, really, nothing is funnier to me than making sure we have enough turbans lying around for our new leaders. On the upside, at least Nancy Pelosi would have no chance in Hell of being Speaker of the House if the Taliban was in charge. The remaining thirty percent muttered insults at our pollsters, and hung up, presumably to commit the Sin of Onan and eat Doritos.

“Who do you consider a bigger threat to your security, Democrats or terrorists? Keep in mind that terrorists have guns and bombs, while democrats are channels for all the evil energies of Satan, and, as we all know, have disgusting sexual habits, use drugs, and want to melt your guns into homosexual playthings.”

60% of those polled postulated that terrorists were the larger threat to their security. It is safe for us to consider that these respondents are all Democrats, since only a Democrat would dare to make the claim that terrorism has not been destroyed by President Bush and the War for the Peace and Freedom and Happiness and Ecstatic Joy of Iraq. Republicans can use terror in campaign speeches, however, to remind the people to be afraid of their own shadow, a shadow that only a conservative can protect them from. We know that is an effective campaign tool. 39% claim that Democrats are a bigger threat to their safety. These are the good God fearing Republicans of the lot, who know that a Democrat is the most terrifying thing a man, woman, or especially a child will ever face. Remember, though, my friends, we have something that they do not…a faith and trust in God and the Second Amendment. The remaining one percent declined to answer, in effect saying that they were too stupid to be afraid of anything. Apparently they have never stumbled upon an image of Hillary Clinton in a bathing suit.

So there we have it, the truth about the American political scene, brought to you by the Conservatives for American Values Honest-to-God Poll©. You know you can trust us, and you know you can trust your honestly elected Republican leaders. Election time is close, followers, and it is time to cover this nation in red! Red as in victories for us, of course, not red as in blood flowing freely from the victims of the Democrats…

51 Comments:

At October 26, 2006 12:23 AM, Blogger Tom Harper said...

Yes, you're so right. The Decent Party (i.e. Republicans) will stay in power. It's God's Will. In addition to your perfectly worded questions, Michael J. Fox's new TV commercial is the latest Heathen/Democratic gimmick, which will fail. If this has-been actor is going on TV and flailing and twitching like a defective marionette on Speed, the poor has-been is only reflecting Our Lord's Divine intentions. And if the Democrats are shameless enough to use this tragic incident for their own political gain, that just confirms how godless and evil they really are. Keep on channeling the Word of God. It's America's only hope.

 
At October 26, 2006 12:33 AM, Anonymous Bill Hole said...

Yay! May the inquitous apostates feel the punishment of God for we (conservatives) will punish all the heathens of the world for their sin with more of our Lord-given insturments of justice as well as his plague of flesh eating terminal illnesses!!!

 
At October 26, 2006 11:07 AM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

That's similar to the poll being used in Tennesse right now. Who do you plan to vote for to replace retiring Tennessee Senator Bill Frist. Will you vote for Bob Corker, a god-fearing, family values and life affirming true American, or would you prefer to vote for Harold Ford Jr, a godless black liberal democrat who will seduce all the young white girls from Tennessee the minute he wins.

 
At October 26, 2006 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

As funny as it was, you sounded as ill informed as repubs when you say that Bush can't be re-elected till 2008. Two term limit - 22nd Amendment.

If it was sarcasm, it missed.

However since everyone is expecting the Rapture to 'beam up' all the god fearing folk to Jesus' side by then, there should only be Dems left to vote on that day in 2008.

 
At October 26, 2006 1:17 PM, Anonymous Felix Felix said...

As funny as it was, you sounded as ill informed as repubs when you say that Bush can't be re-elected till 2008. Two term limit - 22nd Amendment.

If it was sarcasm, it missed.

However since everyone is expecting the Rapture to 'beam up' all the god fearing folk to Jesus' side by then, there should only be Dems left to vote on that day in 2008.

 
At October 26, 2006 1:19 PM, Anonymous Felix Felix said...

Course I don't know how to leave comments so what do I know

 
At October 26, 2006 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the laugh, I needed it this morning.

I'm glad there are still conservatives willing to be this openly silly. It will further secure the election for the majority that wants real change and it's country back. WE WILL NEVER surrender our lives and our land to those who wish to rule us with the iron fist of the military-religious complex.

But please keep sayign these things. It's why lifelong conservatives are jumping ship in droves. I sincerely hope that the large dose of reality due to you in November doesn't turn you from the Lord, since I am a soldier of Christ myself. I follow Christ the compassionate, just to be clear.

Stop bearing false witness.

 
At October 26, 2006 1:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Funny how Bush REFUSED to testify UNDER OATH to the 9/11 Commission,

a commission he resisted forming for OVER A YEAR after 9/11.

Bush is a TRAITOR to the USA, and considering his LIES about Iraq WMD's, as well as his MURDER of 1800 US Soldiers and 600,000 Iraqis,

Bush does NOT follow the word of Jesus Christ.

Those of you that follow TRAITOR Bush can follow him to hell.


God Bless America and the WORLD!

 
At October 26, 2006 2:09 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

To our faithful followers, please keep up the good work.

To you liberal heathen idiots...maybe I should not become so worked up about keeping you morons out of government. I suppose, since you are all going to burn in Hell anyhow, that it might be a waste of my time.

 
At October 26, 2006 2:49 PM, Anonymous Jim_Nauseam said...

A quick stop by this site's "salvation store" will answer the question "is this for real"?

 
At October 26, 2006 2:52 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Brother Hayes, what about that part in the Bible where Jesus says he is going to throw all those who claimed to know him but really did not into hell to burn for eternity? Would that apply to all these anonymous posters, like the last one, who seem to think Jesus is some kind of limp wristed gay peacenik always going on about love and peace and tolerance? I would imagine Jesus has special plans for people like him.

Who knows, maybe he is planing on letting them win this next election, just to give them enough rope to hang themselves, and show people what they really are.

Hell bound.

Of course, being a pagan myself, I'm sure I'll be burning right along with them, but since I'm not a hypocrit, maybe I can at least feast on bar-b-qued hypocrit.

 
At October 26, 2006 2:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You people are so out of touch!
Homosexuals are taking over the GOP. Check Florida GOP candidate for Gov.
GOP is the Troyan horse to push the homosexual agenda. My vote is for the Democrats.
-bercebu48 Arizona- Florida

 
At October 26, 2006 3:10 PM, Blogger VinylVenus said...

Let me tell you what worked for me. When I discovered I was a sinner, I became an atheist! It was just that easy. No more guilt, no penance, no amends...

How cool is that?

V-V

 
At October 26, 2006 3:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck Jesus.

 
At October 26, 2006 3:39 PM, Blogger Jack E. Jett said...

praise the lord for this blog

jesus loves me but hates everyone else.

the lord sent me here.
i hate sinners and everything they wear.
wolf blitzer is a nazi and a gay male hooker.
jackejett.com

 
At October 26, 2006 4:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honestly, it’s people like you and that other moron, Herman Hayes (from the comments), that make other people so weary about religion. Your people are worse than any other breed. From your post and the comments from these blind faith followers, I see nothing but evil, mean-spirited, racist sentiments for those that are not are warped like you! Why can't you just accept that not everyone is the same? It is that sense of superiority that will lead the GOP party to lose power. Also, keep writing this nonsense, because you're doing nothing more than motivating sane voters to vote for Democrats in 12 days!

 
At October 26, 2006 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, when does your spaceship leave?

 
At October 26, 2006 4:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh look. Pagan Temple or snakegoddes as I like to refer to said blogger as seems to think that he can leave comments on a page despite his unfounded (and unresponsive) attacks to those of us who are literate. Take a second to look at this direct quote from "Snakegoddess" attacking "Anonymous" (me): "Anonymous is determined to vote for Santorum even though he is certain Santorum has sex with dogs. How heartwarming to know he wouldn't let a little thing like that stop him.
Then, go back and read MY comment which makes no such claim! Honestly, lets see what other deceptive conclusions you come up with this week. Hmmm...a Tennessee poll. Too bad you lost your credibility LAST POST. Have a little dignity and refrain from posting future comments. Y

 
At October 26, 2006 4:58 PM, Anonymous TrueChristian said...

God will punish the cut and run flip floppers. I mean the GOP who now have run from stay the course. You know, the same people who protect pedophiles and voted to allow the CIA to sexually torcher children to make their "terrorist" parents talk. The Republicans represent everything that is truly evil. If you cannot see that, then you are a part of Satan's army.

 
At October 26, 2006 5:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My goodness, you are all so sick.

 
At October 26, 2006 6:59 PM, Anonymous Gary Queen of Scotts said...

This is a very funny site. Well done! It might even induce a certain level of cognitive dissonance for those few conservatives who still exhibit cognition.

 
At October 26, 2006 7:36 PM, Blogger Kilroy said...

You are a fear-monger, using the Lord's name to further your own ideals and trying to scare people by doing so.
Would Jesus have said that the Michael J Fox tv commercial was a gimmick that will fail? I don't pretend to know his thoughts, but I doubt it. I also doubt that He would characterize Fox as a defective marionette. Is this something a true Christian would say? Does Christ's message of loving-kindness say anything about degrading others with genetics problems, like Fox, as 'defective'? I'm no Bible scholar, but I don't think it did.
The Christ I believe in is full of kindness for everyone and said once that the way you treat the 'least of these' is how you treat me. Thus, isn't being mean-spirited against Democrats in general and Fox in specific also being mean-spirited to Christ?

 
At October 26, 2006 8:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You people are nuts. Also, what's with all your GOP boys diddling under age boys, thats creepy. I think all you god loving concervatives are secretly homosexual and are trying to pray away the gay in you.

 
At October 26, 2006 9:27 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Kilroy-Well, to tell you the truth, Mr. Fox's moves on his "ad" do seem somewhat choreographed. I could have swore I heard "Yakketty Sax" somewhere in the background, at one point.

And the last "Mr. Anonymous" under Kilroy. "Pray Away The Gay"? That sounds almost like a laundry detergent slogan. Maybe you're on to something.

"Join the Grand Old Party, and Pray Away That Gay".

Now if only you or your fellow brother Anonymous could figure out a way to help Mr. Santorum with his unfortunate attractions to Fidos the world over. Or if not, that's okay, maybe one day all you "Anonymous" guys will still find acceptance, and also can come out of that closet-or is that out of the doghouse?

 
At October 26, 2006 10:15 PM, Blogger whitevudoo said...

GOD HATES MURDERS LIKE WAR CRIMINALS SUCH AS,G W BUSH,DICK CHENEY,CONI RICE,RUMSFELD,etc.So wake up fanatics before you start another illegal war and you are all legally war criminals and cannot leave corrupt america for fear of arrest and execution.FOOLS

 
At October 26, 2006 11:24 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Oh come on whitevudoo, that's one of the things that are so endearing about Bush and the Neo-Cons. If somebody tries to give them any grief, why, they'll just handle it the old fashioned way-declare all out war on them.

Today, The Middle East. Tomorrow, Europe. And the next day, who knows? Don't you understand the only way we will ever have true peace in the world is by killing as many people as possible?

Get with the program. The gods of war are looking down on our day and smiling.

Laughing, even.

 
At October 26, 2006 11:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! What a site! I was actually directed here from a link on another site. It took me several minutes of re-reading posts to figure out if this was for real or not. Was it the Onion.com? Was it another spoof site? After reading it again, I have arrived at two very sad points: 1. Someone here seems extremely agitated, and could potentially suffer from synaptic misfire in all four cylinders, and 2. I have noticed that after the third time through this, I have actually DEvolved past multi-thousand year benchmarks of previous human development. Seriously - my brow line has lowered several mm, my nails are now thick and longer, and my hair has become very coarse and grows much lower across my ever growing forehead! The dog looks like something I should kill and eat before winter comes. What have you done to me!?!? I have actually retarded both physically and and intellectually just for having read your takes on religion and politics! Something... changing... again... can't... think... this is starting to make sense to me now... ME GOoOD yoUare bad mYGOD RigHt U no hve god you repuuuublican mEANIE shood stp and goway YOu going tO helL noW...yorKgonow

 
At October 27, 2006 12:09 AM, Blogger trog69 said...

Obviously, religious stupidity is a two way street! Onward Christian lemmings...

 
At October 27, 2006 2:44 AM, Anonymous szeged hajdu said...

maybe these golden fleecers are just after the flock's $$$$$...what a bunch of nonsensical, deluded, tribal horse ptui

 
At October 27, 2006 7:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is amazing how many of you assholes miss the notations that this site is satire.

 
At October 27, 2006 9:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is the trouble with Republicans, you can't parody them, they have already been there and are now well beyond the most outrageous parody of them.

 
At October 27, 2006 9:34 AM, Anonymous Shaheen said...

I am amazed at the way the "Christian" masses follow their Zionist sheep-herders without even a question. Even after Israel blows up US/UN targets, murders our people, annihilates civilian targets, hospitals, bridges, waste/water treatment facilities, you monkeys still follow. The Real Christian/Jew/Muslim are against this thing and I agree with TrueChristian that even the Bible says that there will be people that are following the wrong path and will burn because of it, shit Satan's primary weapon is his means of distorting the truth, and if he can get people to leave their current path and decide to become a "Republican" vice a good person, well all the better, for him at any rate. Moreover you Idiot sheeple blindy follow a leader, harping on about "what a good God fearing" man he is, while he creates iilegal wars in many countries NAMELY OUR OWN! If you morons havent looked into it yet, look into the Patriot Act, or better yet look into a few of the Executive Orders/ Senate Bills passed in the last 2 years. You want to live in a "Christian" owned land? Okay lets look at history for a moment, our country was founded by Protestants/Diests, that fled England because of, oh yeah thats right! RELIGIOUS PERSECUTION! How do you explain the fact that through the bad judgement of our wonderful leader, we now sit in the worst financial disaster in our nations history? We are at nearly $9,000,000,000,000 dollars in the negative, this number is impossible to relieve. What happened the last time there was a deficit of the even nearly the same scale? Thats right, the Great depression. You Baby Huey morons cant even see stuff that is right before your own eyes. Our President is Christian right? How about his lying to the American People? On many occasions, none the less. Still though, you Wal-Martians are too blind to see the truth. Our country thrived because of True Christian Values, and the ability to allow God to do his Job, all you idiots want is to do God's work. By forcing all other means of belief or lifestyles out you are doing just that. God can forgive anyone, but it is a PERSONAL CHOICE. Not yours. So all you Conservative, White-Trash, Hick, Hillbilly, Redneck, Rebublican, Racist, Sexist, Neo-Con, Nazi, KKK, shotgun-wielding degenerates can take your weak, psychotic trains-of-thought and go somewhere else, perhaps going back to Great Britain would work, but that could only happen if it was "The good old days", no blacks, no gays, no mexicans. If only forced Christianity worked...
I HAVE GOT IT! Go to Siberia, buy alot of useless pure white, barren, desolate wasteland, and MAKE a country out of it! And just think! You will have to be living on a prayer, because there probably wont be alot of food there. It will be a test of faith. So what do you say? Are you game, neo-cons? You fucking psychos.
-Sha
Firebrand_red_demon@juno.com

 
At October 27, 2006 9:37 AM, Anonymous Ishoye Eisendrakken Sylderon said...

Perhaps you should remember what one of the few decent Republicans (Abraham Lincoln) once said:

"Let us not presume that God is on our side. Let us hope that we are on God's side."

And thank you for perverting a religion of love and humility into just another political weapon.

 
At October 27, 2006 10:20 AM, Blogger Rune Nordsman said...

Brothers and Sisters in Christ.
We have been deceived. We are now living in Rome. Please, go to the following link and read Theologian Dr. David Ray Griffin. http://www.911truth.org/article.php?story=20050521102328420
The Bush administration has lied to us. They have used our faith in God and our trust in the words of the conservative movement in order to take complete power. George W. Bush is a satanist. http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/may2006/020506martiallaw.htm
George W. Bush’s grandfather, Prescott, created the family fortune by laundering money for the nazi war machine!
Our government has a history of ‘false flag ‘ attacks and 9/11 was the galvanizing event these men of satan needed in order to scare us into accepting curtailed liberties and endless war. Terror Storm http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7048572757566726569
Please get informed, get involved and help the honest, patriotic, God loving citizens of the 9/11 Truth movement to spread the word and in so doing, attempt to save our republic from martial law, under the iron fists of these homicidal satanists. http://911truth.org
Pass this on to all of Christ’s followers. Jesus did not follow blindly the dictates of Rome. Neither should any informed and righteous Christian follow the dictates and lies of a government which has become, New Rome.
May God go with you.
May God save our Republic.
http://biblebelievers.org.au/king35.htm

 
At October 27, 2006 11:53 PM, Anonymous god said...

Hello, my name is Jesus and I approved this message.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, not the cult following of 'W' mongers that heartily approve every imaginable evil that this retard has brought to bear upon our people this terrible shame and embarrassment, and even more perverse, brazenly contends against the Holy Spirit of God.

 
At October 28, 2006 2:13 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

I just can't believe all the "blah blah blah I worship Satan and molest my children blah blah blah" comments that are being left by the liberal drive by media at this site. I wish we could put all of you liberals into aggregation camps until you learn to follow our Savior Jesus Christ.

 
At October 28, 2006 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I Truly wonder what is worse for this country, these people who hate bush with a passion that burns brighter than a thousand firey pyres in the burning depths of hell, or Islamic Jihad. Just a thought.

 
At October 29, 2006 8:41 AM, Blogger Sinlap said...

I think the primative heathens have got to take their private religious perversions out of the U.S. government before we end up with tribal/congregational disorder over here!

What happens to the "purity" of Christian values when gay Catholic priests molest children? ...Or when gay Republican "Right'eous" senators pursue their male interns? ...Or when Mormon polygamists rape their own children? ...oops!!! Family values? Honesty? Trust? ...Faith?

 
At October 29, 2006 8:43 AM, Blogger Sinlap said...

I think the primative heathens have got to take their private religious perversions out of the U.S. government before we end up with tribal/congregational disorder over here!

What happens to the "purity" of Christian values when gay Catholic priests molest children? ...Or when gay Republican "Right'eous" senators pursue their male interns? ...Or when Mormon polygamists rape their own children? ...oops!!! Family values? Honesty? Trust? ...Faith?

 
At October 29, 2006 11:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The GOP is living in a fantasy dream world that will be thrown into rude stark reality on November 7th. If anyone with a brain has listened to the head of the GOA they know the devil "W" and his GOP members of Congress have just about bankrupted America. I guess I never could get on board with the GOP because if they say or do something, it is Gospel, is someone else says or does something, it was the work of Satan, and that is just not good mental health to me. I prefer to stay an Independent.

 
At October 29, 2006 11:58 AM, Anonymous Mu said...

If Heaven is going to be full of the Conservative Christians I have met in my life, by all means Lord, send me to Hell.

 
At October 29, 2006 12:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually all you alleged christians act like you know god and understand his will, but your actions and words couldn't put you any further from god then satan himself. It's time to climb down off your tiny little political pedestles ( not much bigger then your tiny little minds) And stop trying to talk the talk and practivce waklking the walk. You all make me sick

 
At October 29, 2006 12:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kirk...Please don't post your picture,it kind of freaks us out

 
At October 29, 2006 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone who took this serious is a big BOOB.

 
At October 30, 2006 12:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You people have to be some of the craziest fools to ever exist. If there was a god he would fry your ass for being so damn dumb. Do you even realize that you are voting to cut your own throats?

Hell is being on earth with fools like you.

 
At November 07, 2006 7:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW.......you people are freakin crazy! "and we all know they have disgusting sexual habits, use drugs and want to melt your guns into homosexual toys" -LMAO! Thanks for the laugh, hopefully you people won't be so brainwashed forever.

 
At November 24, 2006 1:31 PM, Anonymous lauri said...

I also really needed a laugh this morning. Of course the propaganda used in these questions influenced the answers.
Part of the answer in the first question was "One gentleman from Florida did, however, ask if he could sodomize someone young and male. This man identified himself as a Republican, but he must have been lying."
of course he wasnt lying when he asked asked that. Rebublicans wanting to sodomize young males is the latest fad going on in florida right now.
All i have to say is that anyone who actually takes this article seriously has got to out of their minds.92% of statistics are made up anyway. my guess to why this article was even posted:he lost a bet. NORMAL REPUBLICANS DO NOT THINK THIS WAY!I CERTAINLY DONT. (except for the part about hilary clinton in a bathing suit, that even worse than seeing cheney in a speedo)

 
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