Tuesday, September 19, 2006

An Arab Family Has Moved in Next Door

by Herman B. Hayes

My world is no longer safe, dear readers. An Islamic family now lives beside my Christian household.

I will be straight with you, folks. I do not like having my house blown up. I do not like having car bombs going off on my street in the middle of the night. I prefer not to have to hear someone yelling “jihad” every time I walk out to get the paper. I really, really, do not like hearing strange chanting noises multiple times each day. I am not happy about this development in my life, and I am sure you would feel the same way.

Apparently the neighborhood committee thinks that letting brown people move onto my little cul-de-sac of Christian peace is a good idea. What is next, Satanists?

Sure, maybe my views are a little bit old fashioned, but that does not mean that they are wrong. I know that men having sex with men is all the rage right now, for instance, but I have never considered myself to be a trend follower. I am not an inclusive man, and I will go to Heaven for just that reason. Just because Rosie O’Donnell says that each and every Christian should be shot on sight does not mean that I am going to grab one of my many guns and start shooting my children, does it?

I know that Mahmuud is doing something sinister in that “Garage of Terror” that he spends so much time in.

Don’t try to tell me that he is working on his lawn mower, because I know better than that. I am sure that any day now he will be having tons and tons of sand delivered so that he can live in the desert again. A lawn mover will be of little use then, will it not? I bet that he is rigging that self-propelled mower with explosives. It would be easy, then, for him to fire it up and send it on a collision course with the side of my house. I would be even more un-nerved if he had a lawn tractor…he would then make himself the slowest moving suicide bomber ever.

Basketball? It seems like Mahmuud is teaching his children how to make a three-pointer through my kitchen window…with a grenade.

I am unsettled by how this man spends so much time outside with his children. Islamic types don’t play sports, so why is he teaching his children these skills? To kill me and my family, that is why! My kids are great at sports, as all red-blooded Americans are, but I am not sure that I want to send them outside to play defense against a crop of Little-Tyke terrorists. Sure, there could be innocent reasons why an Arab is teaching his children how to play various sports, but I only see the sinister truth behind this family bonding experience. You know what they say over there, right? “The family that kills infidels together stays together for an eternal reward, based on how many Christians they have murdered.”

No good will come of this, I promise you. May Christ save my family, we are going to need it.

Today Mahmuud is building what appears to be a jungle-gym in his back yard. I think that I have seen similar structures in videos of terrorist training camps. Soon he and his brood will be climbing my trellises to attack my home. Worse yet, my wife cannot even borrow cooking ingredients that she has foolishly run out of. We do not eat hummus and falafels in the Hayes household. I am not a big fan of roasted goat heads, either. I like it when my neighbors make my life easier, but I can see that this will not be the case ever again.

I think I would rather have a black family move in next to me. I could always bullet-and-sound proof my house, and at least then my wife could borrow a cup of sugar if need be, but only if she wore her body armor.


At September 19, 2006 12:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol, I clicked on this thinking it was serious. Good to see some satire on this subject.

At September 19, 2006 12:19 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

In the good old days, we know how this "situation" could have been taken care of. But...all the liberals and islamosympathicommunists have taken care of THAT option, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps every time you hear that chanting sound, you could rig up a speaker system to play Stryker and Amy Grant at earsplitting volumes? Or, when some mumbo jumbo comes wafting through the windows, maybe the words of the James "Daschund Destroyer" Dobson could serve as an anitdote?

Fight the good fight, good reverentd!

At September 19, 2006 3:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am a Liberal Canadian Who Supports the war on terror but this whole religious-government thing is nuts! But it was pretty funny i give you guys credit for that.

At September 19, 2006 7:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes! don't let those creepy terrorist satan worshipping FREAKS live near you!

Bomb their home! It's what JESUS would WANT you to do! I'm not talking about that wimpy scatfreak Jesus the Democrats go mewling on about - no No NO! I'm talking about the FIGHTIN' JESUS! The one that turned the tables over in the temple, the one that let the limbs of children wither, the one that banged his own mother to get BORN!

THE FIGHTIN' JESUS! YeeeeHAW! THAT Jesus would say "GO OVER THERE AND SET FIRE TO THEIR CAR!" not some wimpy "Ooooh let's all get along..."

Yeah - that Jesus is a WIMP! A Weak Impotent Motherless PUSSY! He's just a scab eating snot pickin' stupid useless limp wristed FAGGOT of a Jesus! I want the MANLY Jesus! The one that anally raped Mary Magdalene! YeeeHAW! THAT Jesus would do the right thing and go over there and SMITE HIS ENEMIES!!!!

Now you just get off your ass and get over there and tell th...

(tape runs out)

At September 19, 2006 10:09 PM, Blogger The Pagan Temple said...

Just keep on flying old glory, and in addition to Brians suggestion I would add some numbers by Christina Aquilierra and The Red Hot Chili Peppers. When they're out engaging in their make believe family recreational activities, hearing "Gitmos Greatest Hits" at full volume will make reconsider the wisdom of jihad.

At September 20, 2006 12:59 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Herman: Brian is an imposter! The band is called Stryper and is the absolute rockin'ness band in the history of mankind. Any real Christian knows the band is called Stryper, because Stryper is an acronym for Salvation Through Redemption Yielding Peace, Encouragement and Righteousness. Also, it's impossible to forget that the name is Stryper if you know your Bible. Right below their name is written Isaiah 53:5 which reads, "by His strypes we are healed." Oh man, if I could get a hold of this Brian person for mocking Christianity I swear I'd lay out a righteous condemnation on him.

At September 20, 2006 3:32 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I blame lax immigration policies, which would be completely reversed by PRESIDENT Rick Santorum in '08! I know you will be behind Mr. Santorum, just as he stands behind all Christian men in Pennsylvania. That kind of devoted mutual support, or wrap-around, if you will, is essential to future victories for God/America (same thing)!

At September 20, 2006 11:13 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

Are you sure they're really Muslims and not, say, Buddhists? There are lots of brown people who aren't Muslim.

At September 21, 2006 11:17 AM, Blogger Falconbob said...

I'm going to toss in a shameless plug here, but I met someone I think you boys would like on election day. If you want to skip the other stuff, just read some of her quotes (I have her as LOL, or Little Old Lady).


At September 22, 2006 12:26 PM, Anonymous Faithful Follower said...

How awful for you and your family! All my cyber friends at Free Republic (with the exception of those pesky Libertarians who take the First Amendment as published seriously) agree with me that we should round up and place these un-American Godless “humans” in internment and re-education camps or better yet, deport them immediately.

After all, one can not possibly be American and Muslim simultaneously, it’s just not logical! The United States is a Christian nation. Our founding fathers obviously were mistaken when they put “freedom of religion” in the First Amendment. My Pastor at Church of My Basement said that what they actually meant was “freedom to express ones Christianity” and the entire statement was not heard clearly because the author began speaking in tongues. Now that’s logical and provides a perfectly reasonable explanation for an obvious mistake in our Constitution.

And besides, who really takes that whole Constitution thing seriously? Even our great and fearless leader, George W. Bush believes that it’s just a *expletive* piece of paper! He should know because I’m sure God told him so!

At September 22, 2006 4:50 PM, Anonymous Brian said...

Alas. Forgive me for I have sinned. Indeed, the Satanic Muslimofascist Devil God did causeth my finger to hit the "k" key instead of the "p" key. Forgive me, Reverend, and forgive me, Brother Kirk, for my foul pagan sin of mistyping.

At September 23, 2006 1:11 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

Brian: I forgive you. No good Christian can be held to account when Satan is working his evil ways. Even I beat my wife under Satan's influence. In fact, his influence is making me search every shelter for that little whore. I certainly wouldn't be looking for payback if I wasn't under Satan's spell. All we can do is pray to Jesus to remove these wicked thoughts and I fully intend to do this once I teach her a lesson she won't forget. Hold strong my brother.

At October 03, 2006 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hatred and intolerance are not Christian values. This site is the most untrue "Christian" site I've ever seen.

At October 04, 2006 11:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You people have no life who judge a religion by an act of a person/group!

You all are COWARDS, why not say your blogs to a presenter? Can't face them, can you!

I guess you should re-think your whole existence in this humanity! You clearly can't respect your religion whether you Christian or Jewish!
You not only showing us Muslims that we are the greatist religion but also showing us muslims that you are frightened (of wot, a few soldiers fighting in the name of their group. NOT RELIGION!).

When the time for JIHAD will come, you will realise. for now enjoy your life, live peacefully and no one will concern you!

Hatred will get you nowhere in life! It will just add fuel to the fire which has already risen high above the skies!

At October 04, 2006 11:16 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Yes, yes, Osama. I am glad to see you really really get it. People like you are the reason why the Middle-East is stuck in the time of the crusades.

At October 05, 2006 2:14 PM, Anonymous David said...

And if you hate these assailants so much, why call them 'soldiers'? We here, in the best country in the world, have a deep respect for our soldiers. They may not be able to read, or count past ten without taking their socks and shoes off, but they'll gun you down faster than you can say "Take me into your loving arms, O mighty Allah".

At July 11, 2007 5:33 AM, Anonymous CreditProtector said...

Do you know what I am mostly afraid of? Not only are brown people allowed to live here, but they appear to be eligible for credit! They can financially flourish in our country and what will it lead to?

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