Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Ken Lay Hired By God

by Herman B. Hayes

God has a new man at the financial helm of Heaven, and that man is Ken Lay.

It is a horrible day for America, and a horrible day for working men and women everywhere. Today, God called home a true American hero; Ken “Kenny Boy” Lay.

God must have had some tricky accounting issues to deal with.

We must not ever doubt the judgment of our Lord in these matters, but that does not mean that we should not be saddened by this tragic death. Ken “The Numbers Never Lie” Lay was an amazing man. Some people may not have liked Ken Lay, but we can all agree that no one loved the common man more than he did.

Ken Lay was paragon of honesty, brought down by liberal greed.

First off, Ken “Innocent Flower” Lay did nothing wrong in the running of his company. Kenny was the major victim of the Enron scandal. No one, not the press, and not the prosecuting attorneys, had any right to go after this man. It was his company, and if he wanted to make sure the books reflected the reality he wanted, so be it. Our beloved President Bush, who referred to Ken as “Kenny Boy”, does the same thing all the time, and we love him for it. These attack dogs took down a great American out of jealousy, because they were not smart enough to invest deeply in Enron stock.

Do not destroy the glowing memory of this near-Holy man.

Leave the memory of Ken Lay alone. Now is not the time to make your foolish comments, or to voice your mock sadness at the death of this great man. Some of you will say that it is ok to mock him, since he “ruined” the lives of so many innocent people. Ken “Reminds Me of My Grandfather” Lay did not ruin the life of one single person who did not deserve to have their life ruined. If you are so lazy and stupid that you invest all of your money in one company, then you are an idiot who deserves to be destitute. Besides, these fools could have sold their stock at any time, especially the people who actually worked at Enron.

Ken Lay’s innovative healthcare initiative.

Most people don’t know that Ken “Retirement is for Losers” Lay was a leader in the fight against obesity in the elderly. By keeping so many ex Enron employees from collecting pensions, Ken Lay was doing them a huge favor. Old people with money have a tendency to get lazy, and getting lazy makes old people fat. Everyone knows that if you are fat and lazy, God will kill you with a huge heart attack. I do not know how our Good Lord chose to take Ken “Not Like Fred Sanford” Lay, but I doubt it was a heart attack. I cannot bring myself to watch the liberal media tear this great man apart, and I am not sure that I need to know how he died.

My final thoughts on Ken “God’s New Administrator” Lay.

We conservatives will miss you, Ken. We will miss your wit, your easy smile, and the way you could make numbers change into other numbers, as if by magic. We will mourn for the little people, who you helped so much. We will try to be like you, and teach the American worker self-sufficiency. We will stand up to the tyranny of liberal lawyers, and we will do business the way you taught us, and the way God intends. We will miss you Ken, but do not worry yourself in Heaven. We, your beloved Republican businessmen, will continue on, following your shining light.

We promise.


At July 05, 2006 6:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...





(frickin' moron)

At July 05, 2006 6:21 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Your touching remembrance has brought me to tears. I fear the liberals have homosexualized me as I have never cried, even at my mother’s funeral. I hope my shame does not in anyway denigrate the memory of the Ken Lay for he showed the world the good that deregulation can bring. God bless you Mr. Lay.

At July 05, 2006 6:30 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

anonymous: Thank you for suggesting a retort, you frickin' moron.

Kirk: Do not worry, old friend. You are not gay. Even real men can cry when an American hero dies. Patton, Roosevelt (either), and Lay. Cry.

At July 05, 2006 7:30 PM, Anonymous William Buford Beauregard III said...

I am truly saddened by the loss of this great man. He was like a father figure to me, except that would have meant I had two fathers, and that sound homosexual.

In honor of his memory, I am having the employees at all my companies work this weekend so that they too can appreciate what "Daddy Kenny" taught us all.

I will be raising a glass of scotch in his name at the country club tonight. Heck, I'll raise several glasses.

At July 05, 2006 8:43 PM, Anonymous Dick Cheney said...

What a shame, I loved him like a brother. Its to bad he went so quick. I really learned alot on how to live my life, and he helped me with my beleif in god. He tought me that no one is more important than the people that you work with, and the people that work for you. He will be missed.

At July 05, 2006 9:29 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

I'm going to sound like a socialist here, but now that God has called Ken Lay to His side, maybe Kenny boy's millions can be distributed to the poor--especially the ones who lost their jobs and pensions when Enron went under.

At July 05, 2006 9:31 PM, Blogger Johnnyboy said...

Hmmm sound more like a good place to suspect murder. of the state sponsored type.

At July 05, 2006 10:06 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

william, dick: Some day we will meet with our friend once more in the great boardroom of Heaven.

the truffle: Why? His millions will be distributed to his wealthy friends, who will know how to use them. You would just squander them on beer and NASCAR tripe.

At July 05, 2006 10:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can only hope that there is a thorough investigation as to whether it was really Kenny Boy. Fraud was his method, and you can't tell me that a medical staff in the lovely town of Aspen couldn't be bought out so this unscrupulous bastard could take up a new life somewhere else.

At July 05, 2006 11:45 PM, Anonymous Pope Nixon said...

Brother in Conservatism, we share your grief. Upon hearing the news of Kenny Boy's untimely demise, it was all we could do to make it through the day without breaking down in tears.

Truly, Kenny Boy was a saint among men, brought low before his time (like so many Republican martyrs before him) by the Rabid Jackals of the Objectively Pro-Terrorist Liberal Media.

But as you so rightly say, he's in a better place now, where those bastards can't hurt him. He's cooking God's books now.

At July 06, 2006 12:10 AM, Anonymous Scott-O-Rama said...

I killed Ken Lay.

Since he was a true conservative Republican, I told him I wanted to marry my BOYFRIEND in a SAME-SEX MARRIAGE.

It was too much for his heart.

You might be next.

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha <--- Evil laughter

At July 06, 2006 12:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was initially uplifted by your heart warming story of Ken Lay in Heaven, but then I started thinking about Jeffrey Skilling and how horrible he must be feeling right know. He probably feels God doesn't want him, and that makes me sad. I think we should all pray for Mr. Skilling.

At July 06, 2006 1:34 AM, Blogger simuvac said...

Idiots like you have provided one piece of useful mythology for Ken Lay: a Hell in which he can now burn.

At July 06, 2006 7:08 AM, Anonymous Lay Kenny Lay said...

Indeed,it does appear that God has called upon our beloved Kenny Boy for some important project in Heaven. I'm sure that Kenny Boy himself is now laying upon God's big brass bed as we ponder our loss of this great American. It has been said and written that there are many mansions in Heaven. I hope that Ken Lay is at the very least, occupying no less than four of them now. He's earned it. May God bless Ken Lay.

At July 06, 2006 10:04 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Thank you all for your outpouring of support. Do not worry about Mr. Skilling, though, God has a plan for him too.

Scott: You will never corrupt me, never!

anonymous with tin-foil hat: God does not work in conspiratorial ways. Now, go forth, and look beyond the obvious facts no more.

simuvac: First, does your name mean "simulated vacuum"? Secondly, while I know you will not take my word that Lay is not in Hell, I do know that you will find out for yourself someday.

At July 06, 2006 3:07 PM, Blogger dusty said...

I just love this post..your snark is a snap above the rest.God bless America..and of course you dear souls as well.

Do people take this site on face value? I mean, really..I see far too many comments that are nasty in nature. Its like our dear have to look below the surface..wait..thats not a good's this one..Dead-eye thats not good either..oh catch my drift :p

At July 06, 2006 3:09 PM, Blogger Tom Harper said...

Thank you for a very moving tribute to a great American. He wanted to counter our socialistic government with a little dose of Free Market economics, and those liberal homos brought him down.

Let the godless media make fun of him and criticize him. History will remember Kenneth Lay as a great man who wanted to make America a better place.

At July 06, 2006 3:27 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

dusty: Yes, people do take our words at face value, as well they should! Their souls are on the line.

Tom Harper: Ken Lay was an inspiration to us all. The little people will miss him.

At July 06, 2006 7:12 PM, Blogger dusty said...

By little do you mean midgets?

At July 06, 2006 7:17 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

dusty: No, I mean worthless.

At July 06, 2006 9:21 PM, Blogger KEvron said...

good luck with the new position ken, and just ingore my complete divestment from heaven, inc. it's just a cash flow issue. really.


At July 07, 2006 12:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mr. K Lay was a greedy American Businessman - His company was corrupt, greedy and finally broke. Pensions were lost, people were hurt, trusting investors lost money - Everyone got what they deserved... Mr K Lay (now assumed dead?) was a convicted felon. Is now rotting in hell for his lies, thefts and mis-truths - there is no better end for a greedy man !!

At November 22, 2007 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enron was a shell game. Giving a pass to a crook only reinforces the notion that those giving the passes are similarly compromised.

Could there be a Ken Lay/James Guerin connection?

At December 29, 2008 1:45 AM, Blogger sexy said...








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