Friday, July 28, 2006

Coal, the Energy of Tomorrow

by Herman B. Hayes

I may be in the oil industry, but I really am starting to love coal!

I was sitting at my desk this morning, watching the grimy workers below my observation window with my usual sense of disgust. How can people get so dirty, and yet not want to kill themselves? I understand that oil is on its way out. Eventually we will be able to kill every brown-skinned person who stands in the way of our precious fuel, but by then the reserves will be already dwindling.

Coal, it is so very clean and lustrous.

I agree with our dear and holy leader, George W. Bush. Coal is indeed the energy of the future in America, and I am still not sure why we ever got away from it in the first place. It is a clean burning fuel, with unlimited potential. I know, many of you are thinking about the days when you would run your fingers along the banister at your grandmother’s house. Remember how your hand came away black and filthy? That had nothing to do with her coal burning furnace, as you were told. That was just dust, because your grandma was a lazy old coot, and her “stories” were more important to her than proper cleaning.

Coal has almost no environmental impact.

Even using our present technologies, coal is entirely harmless when mined, stored, and burnt. Coal, unlike nuclear technologies, leaves behind no deadly waste, and does not add a single pound of carbons to our atmosphere. Anyone who tells you different is a liar, and probably a lazy, lazy liberal. The “clean coal” processes of the future will yield nothing but helpful byproducts. Clean coal will leave in its wake freshly planted meadows and forests, where once there was only land that had been stripped bare by some unknown force of nature.

Coal mining is one of the safest jobs in America, and you should be eager to be a miner.

Every day in America hundreds of thousands of miners go into the mines, and hundreds of thousands, give or take, come out. To the best of my knowledge, no American miner has died in recent memory. There is nothing dangerous about going one to three miles below the surface, using timbers and the Holy Hand of The Lord to secure your safe passage. Even if something terrible were to happen, it would all be for a good cause. America does not have any energy options that do not involve a risk to human life, and developing them would be too expensive.

The “peons to volts to dollars” ratio simply does not work out.

Sometimes people have to make sacrifices in order for other people to have a comfortable and carefree life. I am of a higher socio-economic class than most of my workers, and that means that my life is more important than theirs. If I were to go into a mine, and perish, my employees would lose their jobs, and their skill-less wives would starve or become ladies of the evening. If one of my peons were to die, though, only his wife would have to sell herself to eat. I am totally concerned with the greater good of mankind. So, to conclude:

Strap on your carbide lamps, America, before the lights of my mansion grow dim.

21 Comments:

At July 29, 2006 7:56 PM, Blogger Ripley said...

Initially, I was going to disagree with you. But then I thought, y'know, maybe there's something to this.

For example, there's 'Coal Miner's Daughter'. I don't know of any other occupations where the workers' daughters are honored in song. I think that really says something about coal. Something good...

Well, I need to get back to my Bible. I can't wait to find out what happens with Elijah and those pesky kids!

Rip -

 
At July 29, 2006 11:02 PM, Blogger Faithful Follower said...

Oh my Ripley! What a profound thought! How could coal mining possibly be bad for us or the environment when Sissy Spacek brought the whole issue of coal mining into such a positive light. I mean, she came, she saw, she sang about it. What more could Jesus want?

P.S. My sincere apologies to Herman and Michael for considering Ripley's thoughts profound.....since yours definitely are the profoundiest.

 
At July 30, 2006 11:33 AM, Blogger dusty said...

Such a wonderful arguement for Coal dear man. Your facts just scream for a return to the good old days of coal.Why, it would hasten the rapture even quicker wouldn't it?

Praise jesus and pass me a rag, I have to clean up all that pesky soot, I mean dust.

 
At July 30, 2006 12:45 PM, Blogger ariadne said...

I dunno. I think coal is just going to confuse the issues. I mean, how are we going to tell the coal-dusted people from the ordinary brown people? Maybe we could have mandatory baptisms after each work day to be sure we're killing the right (not the white) people. Jesus would be proud.

I can't wait until I can stand in Eastern Kentucky and see all the way to Lexington, after the mountains are finally razed out of my way.

 
At July 30, 2006 3:24 PM, Blogger Lily said...

I also think going back to burning wood is a good idea. It's as clean burning as coal, and we have lots of trees just waiting to be cut down.

 
At July 30, 2006 5:41 PM, Blogger Liberal Liberator said...

I would rather drill in ANWR, using hippies as drill bits

 
At July 30, 2006 7:55 PM, Blogger Tom Harper said...

Ah yes, the Peons to Volts to Dollars ratio. This is the kind of yardstick we should be using for major decision-making. This is what we could be doing if our government wasn't infested with those damn whiny liberals. "Waaahh! What about the poor workers?" We need to clear out the last of those treehugging moonbats this November. Then, America can really start going places.

 
At July 30, 2006 9:49 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Wow. What a good crowd this time. Maybe things are starting to turn around. I am sure some idiot will wander in, though.

 
At July 30, 2006 10:16 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

Well, dude, you should consider becoming a coal miner. Heck, Jesus was a carpenter. God smiles on muscular manly men!

 
At July 31, 2006 1:24 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

We really need to find a way to create coal-powered recreational vehicles. Mary Greenwell spent two months picking out tile and fabric for her RV's second bathroom, and really, after going to that much trouble she should have a reliable source of hot water for her hotel-like shower. Though sometimes she parks it and checks into a hotel, and who wouldn't?

 
At August 08, 2006 1:17 PM, Blogger LittleOrangeFox said...

how on earth did you get on the impeach bush blogroll on that insane site they have =P? Was it an elaborate hoax? Cause This blog is waaaay to smart to be on a far left blog roll, How'd you do it!

 
At August 08, 2006 1:19 PM, Blogger LittleOrangeFox said...

then again upon further investigation, you might just be being ironic =P and mocking but never the less its pretty good for a whatever blog this is.

 
At August 09, 2006 12:29 PM, Blogger mtspace said...

What about atheists? The average atheist will have about the same fuel value as a couple shovel-fulls of coal. I think a balanced energy policy should include atheists. Hey! its a renewable resource, too.

 
At September 12, 2006 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually coal does have some potentially green uses that even the liberals might have a hard time objecting to - now that oil prices have skyrocketed, coal to gasoline conversion is approaching economic feasibility.

Of course with oil prices skyrocketing, other technologies such as hydro, solar, wind, wave, geothermal, and nuclear also become more competitive.

Funny that Bush's policies in the middle east and all the destabilization they have caused, as well as ignoring the blatant price gouging of the oil companies may end up in a roundabout way of reducing our dependence on foreign oil...because we won't be able to afford it any more.

-Sleipner

 
At March 04, 2008 2:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The brilliance of this blog is how beautifully it lets conservatives show their idiocy in their posted comments that seem to not even get that this blog is a joke on them! Good god, it's unbelievable to read people agreeing with this stuff as if it's meant seriously! This is BEYOND IRONY!

 
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At May 06, 2011 2:14 AM, Anonymous Saint-Petersburg Hotels said...

The blog owner gives very nice informations about Coal Energy .and he says right about Coal is indeed the energy of the future in America, and I am still not sure why we ever got away from it in the first place. It is a clean burning fuel, with unlimited potential. I know, many of you are thinking about the days when you would run your fingers along the banister at your grandmother’s house.

 
At September 26, 2012 8:13 AM, Blogger Don Blankenship said...

There are large coal reserves and it is relatively cheap to extract. However, it has significant environmental impact.The Energy for Today. And Tomorrow. The Confederation of UK Coal Producers totally support the Government's commitment to develop an energy .
Don Blankenship

 

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