Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Wrong Kind of Democracy

by Herman B. Hayes

We need to end the occupation of Iraq, and start the war again.

Iraq is a serious threat to our national security. The U.N. is once again refusing to act, and America must go it alone one more time. The government that we helped elect has turned its back on us, and we cannot allow this to stand. Some of you are scratching your heads now, and that means that either you have lice, or you are confused. I can do nothing for your infestation of vermin, but I can help set your thoughts straight. I know God, and God wants us to go show Allah how it is done. There are three main reasons why we need to take over Iraq:

Amnesty? This is my least favorite word, after “liberal”.

Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, a Shia (more beheading, less bombs), has promised amnesty for all insurgents who have only killed Americans. Now, I am only guessing, but I suspect that the terrorist leaders have told their people the exact same thing, only replacing “amnesty” with “seventy-two virgins”. Before we know it, Iraqi mothers will be saying to their children “Ok, now you go play, Jaffahazabara, kill some Americans, but don’t eat any pork. Be back before 10 or I will cut off your feet…have fun!” The government of Iraq has mailed out embossed invitations to kill our boys, and we paid for the stationery.

Everybody do the Egyptian.

By “do” I mean “kill with a smart-bomb or a bullet in the forehead”. Al Qaeda has a new leader in Iraq, and his name is Abu Ayyub Al-Masri, also known as “The Egyptian”. Al-Masri is an expert in explosives, as opposed to Al-Zarqawi, who was an expert in knitting hats for infants. We are in much more danger now, since the number three Al Qaeda operative in Iraq is a master at mailing things through U.P.S. He learned this skill while in the U.S. on a student visa, attending an eBay training academy. The vile Islamists now have the ability to attack us on our own soil. Remember what we have been saying for years now: “We need to fight them there, again, so they cannot attack us here, again.”

They are such rude hosts.

Vice President Tariq al-Hashimi, a Sunni (more bombs, less beheading), asked our esteemed leader President Bush for a timetable for our withdrawal on Tuesday. These newly elected Iraqis really do have some nerve. Think about it for a moment. Islamic law says that you must treat any guest in your home as though he were family. Imagine if you had a houseguest. They have only been in your home for a few years, and they have destroyed nearly everything you own. Would you ask them to leave? Of course not! Americans are not as rude as Muslims, I suppose, as we rarely throw out our rich uncles.

We have exhausted all diplomatic avenues.

There is no option now but war. Our great leader spent nearly five exhausting hours in negotiations with Iraqi leadership this week, to no avail. The Iraqi menace grows every day, and the Iraqi citizens are desperate for freedom from their oppressors. Do not fear, people of Iraq. America will come to your rescue.

Get ready for freedom, Iraq!

12 Comments:

At June 17, 2006 10:56 AM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

While I don't often take it upon myself to respond to my colleague’s post. I just have to say, you could not be more right, Herman!

We need regime change now! There's no need to gather evidence this time around as our intelligence is rock solid. They've admitted themselves to being Muslim so there's nothing further to verify. Let's try this again and we'll know to bring more Bibles this time around.

 
At June 17, 2006 6:33 PM, Blogger FleshPresser said...

We need to liberate the Iraqi people as many times as is necessary. There may be less of them around by the time we're done, but the ones that are left will greet us with roses... or we can keep liberating them until they do.

 
At June 17, 2006 7:08 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

fleshpresser: It matters not to me which path they choose. Flowers are for the gays, anyhow.

 
At June 17, 2006 7:22 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

May I suggest that we also restart the war with Afghanistan and Germany.

 
At June 18, 2006 12:13 PM, Blogger Gun-Toting Liberal said...

The French have been pissing me off for the last few years; we should attack them and free them of their oppressive, fascist, socialist government first. If we go into France to liberate the French people first, they'll likely join us in overturning the new criminal government of Iraq.

 
At June 18, 2006 1:36 PM, Anonymous Thaddeus Malcom Lowe said...

Halo!
I love this site even as I do all fellow brothers in the lord's service.
I dis-agree though on the re-taking of Iraq as the good work may now be outsourced to missionaries and with the oil money we can afford to buy bibles and bring all the heathens to the robes of Christ many times over.
Hallelujah!
My brethren I must make a testimonial here;
Not so long ago I fell asleep in my chair while watching HANNITTY and colmes,And an Angel of the Almighty made himself known to Me and He confided after a few discussions of a personal and personable nature that the Lord was growing impatient for the
start of festivities in North Korea.
Praise!
I have been reluctant to reveal this part of His great plan till now as I admit I was weak then and had doubts,
But after seeing The Honorable President of His United States Gallantly sneaking off to Iraq
to spread His bountiful Blessing
to our new Brothers,Well it moved Me to share this troubling revelation.
I now look forward with a new hope to the Righteous Crusade awaiting those lucky north koreans who will
greet the American Troops and their
brave Commander in Chief and welcome them into their homes and hearts as they will our Savior!
Amen!

 
At June 18, 2006 4:08 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

gun-toting liberal: Taking over France should not be hard. We need a Hercules full of deodorant, and ten or twelve men to yell "Oh God, no, not the Germans!" at the top of their lungs.

thaddeus malcolm lowe: Your words make sense. Your lack of proper capitalization when referring to The Lord our God, however, makes me think you are a hell-bound rabble-rouser.

 
At June 19, 2006 2:04 AM, Anonymous William Buford Beauregard III said...

If we just would have nuked Iraq to begin with, like God wanted us to, then we wouldn't have this problem today. We could be building time shares and Super Wal-Marts over there instead of wasting time on this reconstruction.

While we're at it, why don't we also nuke the French? They just seem gay, so I'm sure sweet Jesus would want us to. And California. That place is just loaded with queers.

As to the previous commentor with the name "fleshpresser," what kind of name is that? Sounds like one of those damned queer names. You better start praying to Jesus to save your soul from eternal damnation.

 
At June 19, 2006 5:25 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

southern sounding person: Look, Cletus, only two people are allowed to make personal attacks on this blog. Myself, and Michael. You, Hank, do not have this right. Do not anger me, fool.

 
At September 18, 2006 11:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, let's be true Christians and follow Christ's words: kill everybody who disagrees with me.

 
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