Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Is PA Going Gay?

by Herman B. Hayes

Is PA going gay? The answer is a simple, resounding “depends on who you ask”.

I usually try to stick to matters that are important nationwide. You might be asking yourself why I am choosing to center my attentions on my home state of Pennsylvania. I feel no need to explain myself to you, but I am in a magnanimous mood today. The first reason is the fact that this is my post. The second reason is that if PA can go gay, so can your state. Actually, this does not apply to Washington, as you are already a gay state.

Two Pennsylvania politicians are in the Sodomite-Spotlight this week. Can you guess who?

One is a wonderful human being, and a model of virtue and God-fearing piety. He loves his God, his country, and his family. He has the huge heart it requires to take your stillborn fetus-child into your bed, and cuddle its lifeless form through the night. He thinks that if you are gay you have a good chance of bursting into flame at any moment, and I platonically adore him for it.

The other is a great big bear of a man, a great big hairy evil bear. He is just about as gay as a person can be. I feel sorry for men who have to be near him. He is the kind of guy who you can share a cab with, and by the time you get your bags from the trunk you will be a flaming homosexual. Have you figured out who our candidates are yet? Well, here they are!

Senator Rick Santorum

In case you are a moron, he is the straight one. There has been some doubt about that this week, though. I am sure you have all seen the photo of Mr. Santorum wearing the fabulous lavender blazer with the flaming pink tie. Get over it, folks. It does not make you a homosexual to dress to fit your mood. Rick Santorum is simply gay as hell. Of course, I am using the proper meaning of “gay”, which is “happy”. Rick Santorum has a song in his heart, probably some happy little ditty from Broadway. A real man like Santorum can wear what he wants, and that does not make him a closeted homosexual. Singing show-tunes does not make him gay, and neither does having an entire litter of children to prove your manhood, either. Only if he were to have sex with another man would he be gay like…

Governor Ed Rendell

You guessed it, Ed Rendell is about as gay as a man can get. Last week Dame Ed Rendell kicked off the gay-pride march in Pittsburgh. He was even sporting a nice little rainbow flag on the front of his government issue blue suit. Recently, for those who do not know, the Pennsylvania House passed an amendment outlawing gay marriage. Rendell, who supports gay marriage, was very upset. Rendell would like Pennsylvanians to be able to marry whoever or whatever they want. If Big Ed had his way, I could marry a lamp-post. My logic is simple, for those of you who still doubt my God-granted infallibility. If you attend a gay pride march or rally, then you are gay. If you live on the route of one of these hell-bound processions, you might turn gay. If you know a gay person, you have almost a 92 percent chance of turning into a homosexual. Ed Rendell might have started off straight, but he never had a chance with all those flaming heathens around. That march across the Roberto Clemente Bridge was nothing more than a march to the devil’s doorstep.

Do not despair, Pennsylvanians.

November will be here soon, and Ed Rendell will be ousted from the Governor’s Mansion. We will have a real man at the helm of our Commonwealth. Lynn Swann will lead us forward, putting his skills as a Hall of Fame receiver and a trained ballerina to good use. His testosterone dripping name will strike fear into queers far and wide. As for Santorum, we all know that his seat is safe, and straight.


At June 21, 2006 2:33 AM, Anonymous Liberty Bell said...

Many years ago I saw Elvis in concert. He had the weirdest looking outfit on during his performance. I mean I wouldn't wear such an outfit( I'm a mans man you know). And his hair was perfect. I couldn't help but notice how sensual he was by his demeanor on stage. And it was at that moment I had an epiphany.....Yeppers. Elvis had to be gay. Only a man with a sensual demeanor about him could be gay. I think there's some weird french word for such a man. He's got a certain jenny say kwad about him. At least that's what the ladies sitting within my proximity were saying about Elvis at the concert. Good thing I never had to attend a Beatles concert back in the day. It was bad enough enduring the screams of middle aged white women around me during the Elvis performance. I sure hope PA isn't becoming gay. PA is one of the original colonies that this great God fearing nation was founded upon.

At June 21, 2006 10:45 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

liberty bell: I really had no idea that Elvis was a Pennsylvanian. I really am sure that he was not, for that matter. That means that only the last two sentences of your comment are apropos. I do agree with the sentiment that Pennsylvania should not turn gay, however.

At June 21, 2006 10:52 AM, Anonymous bkm said...

Well...Pennsylvania is known as the "Keystone State." Keystone strikes me as awful close to "keyhole" and that leads to all kinds of UnGodly thoughts. Help me , Pastor Hayes, Help Me! I live in California, I am probably DOOMED.

At June 21, 2006 11:05 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

bkm: According to your logic, "BKM" sounds alot like "I enjoy jumping to wild conclusions about words that sound nothing like each other, and I stand a good chance of going to Hell because I live in California."

At June 21, 2006 1:29 PM, Anonymous Mann Coulter said...

Having spent the first 25 years of my life in Pennsylvania I can attest that the Keystone State has always, without question, been gay. Take a look at our old governors' names, Dick Thornburgh, Bob Casey (sounds an awful lot like 'Gay-sey'), and that deaf guy.

Thankfully, I live in Georgia now, where gays will soon be hunted down and legislated out of existence.

Me? I'm petitioning the Pope and whoever leads the Jews to call for a Commandment Convention, so we can add an 11th Amendment: "Thou Shalt Not Be Queer." That should settle it once and for all.

At June 21, 2006 2:51 PM, Anonymous William Buford Beauregard III said...

This is why me and my oil buddies only where white suits, cowboy boot, and cowboy hats. It shows that were real me, not sissy queers.

Boss Hogg was truly a fasion inspiration to us all.

At June 21, 2006 5:10 PM, Anonymous KJ said...

Hey! I live in Washington State and take exception to your suggestion that Washington is a gay state.

Item: We are growers of fabulous fruit -- apples, cherries, grapes, and such. This is hard work requiring strong, masculine hands, not soft, manicured pinkies.

Item: We are makers of many fabulous wines earning recognition nationally and internationally. These serve as an excellent beverage prior to attendance at local theater productions.

Item: Speaking of which, Seattle has more theaters per capita than any other major city in the US.

Item: We are roasters of fabulous coffee. Seattle's leadership in this craft has spawned the creation of quaint, well-appointed coffee shops across the world.

Item: We are the nation's builders of cargo and passenger airliners. While these might be dismissed as jumbo-sized, winged, phallic symbols, I can assure you that they are so much more.

Besides, if Washington were truly gay, Apple Computer headquarters would be located here, not Microsoft, and adults would be allowed to marry anyone they damn well please.

At June 21, 2006 5:13 PM, Anonymous liberty bell said...

William B.....I bet you and your buddies look mighty fine in your clothes. By your description,and if I were a woman,you and your buds could ring/strike my bell anyday. I think there's another one of them french words to describe such masculine clothes..Oak KooCHuure...Is it me? Or does it appear that the french are attempting to takeover our language?

At June 21, 2006 5:15 PM, Blogger FleshPresser said...

Herman, I wouldn't be too sure about that Rick Santorum. Just because he talks a good talk, doesn't mean that he walks the walk, if you know what I mean. As a fellow Pennsylvanian, I am concerned about the equating of Rick Santorum with a filthy "gay" word... I'm too righteous to speak of it here, but perhaps you can look at it objectively, for the sake of stamping it out:


Yes, he may present himself to the world as a raging homophobe, but only God knows what lurks deep in his soul... well, God and any evil, bad partners that he secrets away in his closet.

At June 21, 2006 6:06 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

mann coulter: Pennsylvania is not going gay, not if I can help it. Your name is a funny play on words, surprisingly original. You must be the most literate man in Georgia, but that is not saying much, is it?

kj: Somehow you fail to convince me. Fabulous effort, though.

fleshpresser: Never, ever doubt the straightaliciousness of Rick Santorum. I do not care what the heathens have said of his name. You should cover yourself in the holy name of Santorum.

At June 21, 2006 7:53 PM, Blogger Matt P. said...

Mr. Steele, I'm amused by these statements of yours, "You see, taxation is, and always has been, a form of punishment. You force people to pay money to deter them from committing a certain act. You are fined for speeding or littering so that you will think twice before doing either of these again." I can't determine if you really believe all that or you are just trying to provoke an argument.
Well, you got one statement right. We are fined for speeding and littering. But, what does that have to do with taxes? Fines and user fees are NOT taxes. You caused yourself to be fined by your personal actions. If you obey the law, you won't be fined. We fine lawbreakers. Which is exactly as it should be!
And taxes are Not a form of punishment. Taxes are the revenue used to pay the bills of goverment. We are not taxed because some group of people decided you had too much money. And that some one else should have it instead. The Liberals you blame for everything have not had any power to do these things since 2001. The Republicans are NOW responsible for this enormous national debt. And they should step up to the plate amd take responsibility for their actions.
You pay taxes because you benefit from what it pays for. Things like the Air Force, Navy, and Army defending your freedoms against terrorists. Should those military people work for free? How would you suggest we get the money. Should all those guns, bombs, and jet fuel be free? If so, that would hurt all your capitalist friends who are making huge profits selling war materials and fuel, and getting reduced taxes, while others are sacrificing their lives. If you and I, and others, didn't pay taxes, then how would you pay the wages for the FBI, CIA, NSA wiretapping, and for the SEC which helps keep your money from being stolen from you through your stock market investments. I would like to have an answer.
I wish there was a way to illustrate this point by allowing all people, who don't want any of their money to go to taxes, who foolishly crys its a form of punishment, to keep all their money. But, you must realize then, that those people would then lose all their protection. If you got robbed or killed, no police or FBI would bother investigating the crime. After all, you didn't feel obligated to help pay those expenses for those employees. If your neighbor's house caught fire and, thus, burned part of your's the fire department would come and put out the fire in your neighbor's house, but, let your's burn. You see, if no taxes then no government, no police, etcetera and we would all be fending for ourselves, hunkered down with rifles, and forming protective associations.
When you go to the store and get eggs and bread, you pay for them. They are not free! It is the same with police, fire department and rescue equipment, military, coast guard, county real estate records offfices, and on and on are not free. Its not perfect. Do you have a better solution? I would like to hear it.
Who is making this claim that you wrote, "Since when did being financially successfully and having more than enough money to sustain your self become a crime?" Who is claiming its a crime? You use the false argument method of setting up a strawman and pretending that someone is actually claiming that certain thing. And then you set about shooting down the false target you have setup. Pretending that you just defeated some liberal argument. Which didn't actually exist to begin with.
People who drink too much Limbaugh Kool-Aid eventually get indigestion - sometimes extreme indigestion.
I hope that you can tear yourself away from making money long enough to take time to enlighten me. Here's your opportunity to completely embarrass me, in front of an audience, and show everybody how stupid this progressive is.

At June 21, 2006 8:00 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

matt p: I find it amusing that you don't even have the wherewithal to post your ridiculous gripes in the correct comments section.

The topic at hand is gayness in PA, try to keep up.

As if your comment by itself wasn't enough to prove what a "stupid progressive" you are. No, this is far too easy. I'm going to just leave it at that. Oh, I almost forget to mention this... God hates you.

At June 21, 2006 8:15 PM, Blogger Matt P. said...

Sorry, I just signed up and it is lightning and electricity went out for a second. So, accidentally posted in wrong place.
But, you did give me a good laugh though.
I have accepted Jesus as my personal savior. This is for real.
And you, without questioning me, assumed, maybe because I disagreed with your assessment of the world, that God hates me.
You know this how? Does God check in with you? You are the final authority on everything?

At June 21, 2006 8:18 PM, Blogger FleshPresser said...

Oh, and Matt.... no need for Herman and Michael to do it... you just embarrassed yourself.

Oh, yeah.. and God Does hate you.

And Herman... "straightaliciousness???" You better "STRAIGHT"en up and fly right, or I'll begin to question you, too.

At June 21, 2006 8:51 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

fleshpresser: Ok, fine. I will use the word "heteromuchomachonongaystraightman" from now on.

matt p: I could write a long response to your comment, but I will refrain. Just take your last line, and replace your question mark with a period. Then you will have it right.

At June 21, 2006 9:40 PM, Blogger FleshPresser said...

Matt - Thunder and lightning? Hello? Aren't you taking the signs that God is showing you??? How much more obvious does He have to be???

Herman - thanks. "heteromuchomachonongaystraightman" is much better. Although ""heteromuchomachonongaystraightman" and Santorum might be ...umm... quite a mouth full... so to speak.

At June 22, 2006 3:45 AM, Blogger Gun-Toting Liberal said...

"If you attend a gay pride march or rally, then you are gay. If you live on the route of one of these hell-bound processions, you might turn gay. If you know a gay person, you have almost a 92 percent chance of turning into a homosexual."

AMEN! Last year, there was a gay pride parade that went down my street in front of my home and within two weeks, I found myself wearing my wife's panties and stockings when she was at work. I fell to my knees, shaking in shame, sadness, and in fear of the Lord for what I had done and for what I had become.

But I cannot stop myself. Even though I do not wear my wife's lingerie any longer, I still find myself searching the Internets for the latest gay parades. And just between our close knit little group here, I also find my big fat hairy neighbor Bubba to be quite attractive when the sun hits him just right.

This is a VERY dangerous precedent we are setting by allowing the gays to be free. Freedom was paid for by the blood of STRAIGHT patriotic HEROS. And I think anybody with an open mind knows this already.

Again, you never cease to cause me to think. Kudos to you, Sir!

At June 22, 2006 9:43 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

fleshpresser and gun-toting-liberal: It makes me very happy that some of you get it.

At June 22, 2006 10:13 AM, Blogger Matt P. said...

I'm curious. How does one become a Christian?
And would you be willing to share with us how or when you become a Christian?

At June 22, 2006 12:06 PM, Anonymous L.G. Fucktard said...

I submitted my first comment to your blog late last night, but it did not get through. I resubmitted it and received a message stating that the comment was saved for moderation. I assumed it would appear this morning, but it did not. Apparently, it was inappropriate. I hope it was not offensive. It was intended to satirize the idea that women who wear sexy clothing ask to be sexually harassed, or worse.

At June 22, 2006 4:15 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Your comment was not offensive, but your name is. We try to keep the swearing to a minimun, and we know that is not your real name. Jesus hates cussing.

At June 22, 2006 8:44 PM, Anonymous L.G. Christard said...

Sorry, Herman.

At June 22, 2006 10:42 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

l.g. christard: I am assuming your new nom de plume is French. I am not going to even consider the fact that it could be conjunction of "Christ" and "retard".

At June 22, 2006 11:20 PM, Anonymous L.G. Christard said...

I am not sure whether I am more offended by the suggestion that I would call Christ a retard or that I would associate myself with the French. "Christ-" stands for 'Christian'; "-ard" is short for 'canard' (the stabilizing wing on an aircraft). A "Christard", therefore, is one who is guided by his Christian values. I was going to add "con-" for 'conservatism', but L.G. Conchristard sounds Mexican.

At June 23, 2006 12:45 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

christard: You have passed the test. The gates of heaven may just await you. Do not ever express displeasure with what I tell you again though. You are on the right track!

At June 23, 2006 1:12 AM, Blogger Kirk said...

I just wanted to ask this Matt person if he thinks that members of our armed forces are in it for the money?

Matt, I am offended by what you alluded to in your comment. People join the military to serve their country. It is a duty of honor and to lump military folks in with the "entitlement" crowd as if they are welfare cases is ridiculous. Soldiers would gladly serve without pay if it meant that taxes could be cut. It is such a shame that liberals exploit the bravest Americans to justify big government spending.

When soldiers see a comment like Matt's they feel spit on.

Support the troops or get out of America.

I'm sorry for commenting off subject, but I am just fuming over this guy's disrespectfulness.

At June 23, 2006 3:49 AM, Blogger Gun-Toting Liberal said...

Thank you, Sir.

You have profoundly affected me. I am now, for the VERY first time in my life, considering voting FOR ALL incumbents in my Red State of Alabama. I have learned to look past their missing teeth, and have learned to see the forests through the trees; the fact that they have been right all along.

It has taken awhile for me to realise that just because they are missing teeth, and just because they say "Preznit" instead of "President" doesn't mean that they are unintelligent. In fact, the opposite is true, I am learning.

I have learned much from reading this blog. I consider it more of a "public service" than I do a "blog", frankly. I almost feel horrible inside for calling it a "blog".

While I am still "Liberal", I must say, I'm a "teetering Liberal" at best, thanks to you and this public service you offer. I put my wife's panties on again today. It was shocking. I realised this was due to my "Liberal indoctrination" and that it might just take some time for me to overcome my "Liberalism".

Thankfully, God Himself will be overseeing this process. I have to get right with Him and any advise you can give in most welcome. I cannot do this alone, because even after my many "revelations", I cannot help but remember how good the economy was under President Clinton versus now.

Please help me.

At June 24, 2006 12:40 AM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I was upset for a moment because I misread kj's name as K-Y.

Then kj said fabulous.

Then Herman said fabulous.

This must mean saying fabulous is not gay after all.

If I ever heard Rick Santorum say fabulous, then I would be sure.

At July 05, 2006 4:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Liberty Bell, I must correct your French. It's OAT Kochure, not Oak KooCHuure

At September 11, 2006 12:28 PM, Blogger Kim said...

Oh my, I hope PA is becoming gay, or else all my gay friends that are moving here will have to find another place to call home. Get use to it honey. We are here to stay and we will never go away. And as far as Ed. We love ya honey, for seeing that we are who we are. And god made us this way. And if Lynn isn't one of the family, well he soon will be. lol
Dip me in honey and feed me to the lesbians.

At September 26, 2006 1:30 AM, Anonymous C said...

I think you guys are gay!

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