Thursday, May 25, 2006

Onward, Christian Super-Soldiers

by Herman B. Hayes

“Onward Christian Soldiers, Marching As To War”

I am sure that we all remember the words to the classic hymn “Onward Christian Soldiers”. Once it was enough that these were words on a page, or voices in a church. No longer is this the case, however. The enemy surrounds us, Christianity is under siege, and the deadlock must be broken.

It is time for the new Christian Army.

Enough! Our sense of complacency is getting us nowhere. Our enemies are almost too numerous to count. We are up against the forces of the homos, the abortionists, the jihadists, the Scientologists, the Indian Nations, television, radio, and even the vile and violent Buddhist monks. This is not the time to be a weak Christian. We are trapped in our fortress of faith, and all the weak are good for is throwing over the walls to distract the enemy.

The Bible says that our bodies are temples. I am sure God does not appreciate your scrawny, weak, crumbling temples.

God wants us to be strong, muscular, and brutal temples to his faith. Were the Crusaders weak? Were the disciples weak? No! The disciples, for instance, were muscle-bound behemoths. Jesus himself weighed in at around 250 pounds, without an ounce of fat, and knew that the best way to bring people into the fold was an overwhelming display of physical power. You did not want to receive a smiting from Jesus and his boys.

Pancakes and power shakes?

Thankfully, we have a nutritional scientist on our side. We have a man whose knowledge of physiology, chemistry, and human pathology is unparalleled in the halls of science. This Holy Alchemist has created two formulas, one a shake, the other fluffy and delicious pancakes, which will make any Christian into a berserker warrior for Christ. This great man is none other than Pat Robertson.

Meet Pat Robertson’s Pagan-Punishers

These are the new breed of Christian warriors. Imagine, loyal believers, an army of Christian warrior males, ready for battle, giant muscles rippling in the sun, steely looks in their eyes, Bibles and swords at the ready. Pat Robertson’s pancakes and protein shakes can give us this. Pat Robertson can leg press 2000 pounds. Remember, please, that Pat is around seventy years of age. Imagine the body of a twenty-year old after taking part in Mr. Robertson’s program. I imagine them all the time.

Eat, drink, and be powerful.

These are troubled times for Christianity. We are under attack from all sides, but with the help of Pat Robertson we can break the siege. It is our moral duty to be strong. Christianity can no longer tolerate the weak and the downtrodden. Christ wants us to lift ourselves up by our own bootstraps, and for that you need very powerful arms. So, be prepared to move out, and be ready to follow General Jesus wherever he may lead us.


At May 25, 2006 11:37 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

You mean Jesus' General. Oops, wrong blog. But hey, I did "bench press" (link to) you tomorrow, but the post is up tonight, because God told me (in a dream of course) to fudge it, and while I couldn't figure out what He meant at first, I finally realized it was about dating and my blog.

I hope you soldier boys won't be going to Iraq, because we've been without you for so long anyway, I'd hate to lose your bench-pressed legs to a IED!

But perhaps Herman's son should go. It would keep him away from the hillbilly heroin, and they have always been so good about drug use in the military. My best friend's cousin once told me he learned all about drugs in the Army and he never needed to hear another thing about them, unless I had some. I was so grateful for his protection and concern.

In His name,

Blue Gal

At May 25, 2006 11:58 PM, Blogger Omnipotent Poobah said...

So these Super-Soldiers...were they intelligently designed or genetically spliced?

Just wondering.

At May 26, 2006 3:59 AM, Blogger The Histrionics of a Fat Housewife said...

The fact that I couldn't immediatly tell whether this was a joke or not is scary. That America's whack right has gotten so... whack that this blog seemed plausible is terrifying.

Once I got it though (I'm blonde, it took me a few minutes), I laughed my large backside right off. I think my size 8s might fit once again! Thanks!

At May 26, 2006 11:46 AM, Blogger Kemper31 said...

Hey I appreciate the fact that you're a Christian, as am I. But you're going about this all wrong! You make Jesus seem like he was above us all, and not very personable at all. Plus how do you know he was 250 pounds of pure muscle? Nowhere is that mentioned in the bible? What bible are you reading? And God doesn't call us to be 100% physically fit. That isn't our purpose on this earth!! Read your bible!!

At May 26, 2006 12:44 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Kemper: Read your Bible sluggard! Your slothfulness will only lead you to the fiery abyss.

At May 26, 2006 12:54 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Kemper: It just occurred to me that your simple mind might not be able to grasp the meaning of Proverbs 6. We are told to consider the ways of the ant. What does this mean?

Consider this fact about ants:
Compare their strength to that of a human being: we can pull about 60% of our weight, but ants can pull 50 times their weight.

Sounds like Pat Robertson and Herman B. Hayes understand the Bible much better than you. I think you owe both an apology.

At May 26, 2006 5:49 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

blue gal: We do not much appreciate links from sinners, but I am not going to ask you to take it down. You might direct more liberal heathens to our true path.

kirk: A pleasure to see you again. We can always count on you as an ally in the war against sissyfied-Christians and other fools.

kemper31: I feel that your faith is waivering. I am sick of people like you, coward Christians. Your knowledge is flawed from the beginning. Christ was above us, being the Son of God and all. I could debate you on more points, but you have bored me.

At May 27, 2006 5:11 PM, Anonymous DJ Neawedde said...

Can I Get on the Enemie's of God list!!!

At May 27, 2006 6:04 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

DJ Neawedde: No. No you may not. Your blog is about entreprenurial matters. Being in business for yourself does not make you an enemy of God. Asking stupid questions does, though, so keep trying.

At May 28, 2006 1:29 PM, Blogger theothermichelle said...

Hahaha! I thought this was serious at first, because nowdays you can't tell between the serious ones and the parodies.

Funny blog...especially the Pat Robertson power shakes. :)

At May 28, 2006 2:21 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

theothermichelle: We are serious. The power of God is serious. The Army of God is serious. You, on the other hand, must be attempting to make a fast track to hell. Do not worry, though! Just keep reading the words of Herman B. Hayes and Michael Gregory Steele. You will do just fine.

At May 29, 2006 11:32 AM, Blogger Kevin said...

So...a Christian Army? Would members of this Army of God be willing to die for their God (an ultimate sacrifice)? An Army of God can't be much different than Islamic jihadists.

So much for peace on earth, goodwill towards men.

At May 29, 2006 1:18 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

kevin: You could think of it as a "keeping up with the Joneses" type of thing. If you are an idiot.

At May 29, 2006 5:32 PM, Blogger The Truffle said...

Man, I wanna be a super-strong Christian soldier! Where are the recipes for these pancakes and power shakes, anyway?

At May 29, 2006 8:49 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

the truffle: As I told you in my post, the recipes are brought to you by Pat Robertson. I would not presume to post his recipes without his permission. He has been eating his pancakes and drinking his shakes for years. I would rather not anger him, thank you very much.

At June 01, 2006 8:56 PM, Blogger Kevin said...

No, you wouldn't want to anger Pat Robertson. He might make you put your head under the leg press equipped with "2,000 pounds" and then do reps on your face crying "Thou Shalt Obey God, Thou Shalt Not Sin, Thou Shalt Worship Me, Die Chavez..." and on and on and on.

At September 22, 2006 2:44 PM, Anonymous BamBam said...

Wow, Im 6ft, and 220lbs, and I have NEVER seen a picture of Jesus weighing 250lbs...
25 lbs maybe, I mean, how strong can you be hanging out on crosses all day??

At December 29, 2008 1:48 AM, Blogger sexy said...









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