Monday, May 22, 2006

Normalcy Returns

by Herman B. Hayes

What is wrong with kids these days?

We all know the standard answer to that question. It is “poor parenting, a lack of respect and discipline, and not enough corporal punishment.” Sometimes, however, even the most well-bred of children can go awry. I am going to be frank with you, readers, the last four months have been miserable for the Hayes family.


For any of you who may have been left behind by our educational system, the above is the chemical name for methamphetamine, or “meth” as the toothless rabble call it. With recent media coverage of the meth problem, I am sure that I do not need to go into detail about what this drug does. There is, however, one thing that can make this drug even more dangerous:


Now, I know you are asking yourselves how Mexicans can make meth more dangerous, aside from producing, transporting, and selling it for money to buy tequila and knives. Mexicans can make meth more dangerous by selling it to our children. This is my confession: My eldest son, Nehemiah, spent the last four months in a private rehabilitation facility, ridding his system and mind of meth and illegal aliens.

A tale of two Methicans.

My son got the foolish notion that going to help illegal aliens survive in the deserts of the Southwest would be a good and humanitarian thing to do. I let him go, assuming that a few months of sand and scorpions would be enough to bring him to his senses. While tending to a water station, my beloved son was approached by two illegal alien Mexicans, both named Pedro. I can only assume that the dos Pedros somehow overpowered my boy and forced him to take the meth. Nothing else could make a Christian boy of college age from a strict household experiment with drugs.

My moral authority remains intact.

Those of you without faith may now have doubts about my moral authority. Those of you without faith may, then, excuse yourselves directly to hell. My moral authority is doing fine, thank you. My son was weak, you may well be weak, but I am not. He is out of rehab now, and we are keeping him on the straight and narrow path. Things are right again in the Hayes household, and I am ready to be your moral compass once again.

Trying times are upon us.

These are trying times for our party, our President, and our faith. Some days it seems like we are under attack from all fronts. Every night on the news it is the same trivial garbage about Iraq, the NSA wiretapping, the NSA phone records, illegal immigration, Duke Cunningham, prostitutes at the Watergate, Karl Rove, Scooter Libby, Guantanamo, secret prisons, torture, Cheney shooting people, and trading nuclear technology to India for mangoes, the list goes on and on. But do not despair! Rejoice!

Conservatives for American Values has returned!


At May 22, 2006 10:33 PM, Anonymous Jake Porter said...

Conservatives for American Values has returned!

Thank God. To quote Ned Flanders

"I wish we lived in the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans."

At May 22, 2006 10:35 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

jake: If we all work together to defeat the liberals, that fictional past could become true. We are glad to be back, by the way.

At May 22, 2006 10:37 PM, Anonymous Jake Porter said...


I almost forgot. You should run as Vice President of this party.

At May 22, 2006 10:37 PM, Blogger Blue Gal said...

I was going to thank God, too.

I'm sure Herman would tell me that if I want to thank God I should let a man do it, because of Eve.

Oh and that Madonna (not the Mother of our Lord, the pop singer). As if she wasn't going to hell already for being married three times!

So thanks Jake.

At May 23, 2006 7:28 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

bluegal: You should let a man do that, because of Eve. However, if you spend an hour or so letting God know you are sorry for your gender, you might get through. Remember, God loves you!

At May 23, 2006 5:49 PM, Anonymous Pookie said...

Michael Gregory Steele & Herman B. Hayes:

WELCOME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! Your insight has been sorely missed. My moral compass has been OUT OF WHACK and I was floundering for a while there. Praise be, YOUR BACK!!

At May 24, 2006 11:17 AM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

pookie: We are back, and I am sure that we will have your moral compass reading true again soon. In the meanwhile, remember that putting more than three exclaimation points in a row is offensive to God.

At May 24, 2006 5:40 PM, Anonymous Pookie said...

I'm sorry for the extra exclaimation points, I was too excited I guess. Please pray for my soul.

At May 24, 2006 7:49 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

pookie: I can tell you are very sorry, I am sure God will forgive you for the exclaimation points. The rest of your sinful life may do you in, however.

At May 25, 2006 5:34 AM, Blogger Tom Harper said...

Yes, it's the same ongoing problem: evil Meskins forcing decent Americans to take meth. Well, Pedro got his foot in the door, so to speak, because of all these godless pagans who are trying to legalize "medical" marijuana. We all know marijuana leads to hard drugs. These terminally ill cancer patients seem to think the world revolves around themselves. We the living need to fight against ALL drugs and we must be as ruthless as necessary to maintain a drug-free America.

At May 25, 2006 11:05 AM, Blogger frstlymil said...

I'm so sorry that happened to your boy. It would be great to put a face to this enemy - since that's what we Americans seem to need - but it's a societal problem, rather than a political one - and not one that can be laid at the feet of anyone in particular - but EVERYONE in particular. Our whitehouse talks a lot about marijuana and how that's to remain illegal, but alcohol will remain legal - there's too much money to be had (63% of alcohol buyers are alcoholics and they are marketed to this way). NO ONE is talking enough or taking action enough about METH - most of which is manufactured by your local college chem major in the trunk of his car - and not coming over the border as some would like to believe. Hell there was a meth lab in the luxury condo building NEXT DOOR to mine - the whole nice block could have blown up. Unfortunately, it has shown to be an unspoken of, but all too prevalent problem - particularly in white, upper-middle class communities - here in Southern California the communities one would least expect, San Diego, South Pasadena, San Marino, Catalina Island - have absolutely horrible problems with it. My work with kids shows that yes, there is a certain amount of responsibility at the feet of the parents - those of the baby boom generation - that same generation that has taught those same kids to treat other people like the help, rather than with respect - didja know in private school the teacher makes LESS than in public school? There is far less frank honesty going on with the kids from the so-called "right" families - but plenty of money being thrown at them for their various activities, rather than telling them to get an after school McJob. In other cases, there is simply boredom - some kids of high intelligence and energy need structured activity and stimulation 16 hours a day with time off for sleeping - it is the only way to delay what might be inevitable - the need to experiment - I'd be lying if I didn't cop to experimenting myself as a teen. Meth is a killer. It destroys the brain, the teeth, the hair, young girls are doing it so they can look thin like Lyndsey Lohan - and it is right here, being manufactured in our own back yard, by our own neighbors, and it's got to stop. It's not because there are too many people saying, "not in MY neighborhood" "Not MY kids" "Not THEIR friends." "It's THEM, it's the MEXICANS." Who are we kidding. Remember Bathtub gin during the Depression? Meth is easier and faster to make. Time to get honest if we really want it to stop. It's right here. I'm sorry this happened to your boy - it's not too late to get really informed about this stuff and what it's really doing so you can help put a stop to it.

At May 25, 2006 12:33 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

frstlymil: Thank you so much for the comment. I appreciate your honest views on the matter of meth in America, immigration, and many other topics. I only see one problem with your response. It is long. Very, very long. If you took that much time to write a comment, I am sure that other things in your life are lacking the attention they need. I can see from your picture that you are a woman. I am assuming that you have children and a husband, as all good women do. You need to spend more time making sure that their needs are met. You should be ashamed of your attitude of neglect and negligence. Please be more considerate of your family in the future.

At May 26, 2006 1:51 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

Herman: I fear that Frstlymil has a more sinister motive than just sharing her life story with us. Let's face it. Anyone that writes a comment that long and has that many consecutive consonants in their name must be under the influence of methamphetamine. I think this woman is trying to distract us from the real cause of drug addiction - Methicans as you so rightly pointed out - in order to ensure her steady supply of dope. Shameless.

At May 26, 2006 3:57 PM, Blogger frstlymil said...

Sorry for the lengthiness. It's a subject I am quite passionate about - having seen the havoc it can create in families such as your own - that and I type 90 words a minute, so no worries, not a thing was neglected - though I appreciate your rather strange desire to be insulting.

At May 26, 2006 10:24 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

frstlymil: You should only be insulted if you are a neglectful heathen.

At May 27, 2006 5:03 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

frstlymil: I should not be so insulting. I am impressed with your ability to type 90 words per minute. I am sure that your career as a secretary is very rewarding for you. If only God did not hate women who work outside the home...

At May 06, 2007 10:45 AM, Anonymous Trias said...

"I can only assume that the dos Pedros somehow overpowered my boy and forced him to take the meth."

It would be a more honest assumption that your son consumed the drugs willingly. It would be wiser though, if you talked to your son and found out for yourself.


Post a Comment

<< Home