Monday, April 25, 2005

Separation is Satanism

by Herman B. Hayes

I have two very simple points to make today:

Atheism is Satanism

Separation of Church and State is a Satanist plot.

The very thought of separating Church and State sickens me. The founding fathers were Christian. America is a Christian nation. The thought of keeping our government, made of Christians, and our churches, made of Christians, separate is madness.

Do not fall prey to the plan of the damned Lucifer! Demand that your elected leadership follow the word of God, like our dear leader President Bush! Demand that the word of God be preached in the hallowed halls of our Congress! Demand that our judges be like the judges of the Holy inquisitor! Demand that our children pray in school! Demand that all teachers be ministers of the Lord and our President unto our Children! These are the things that we, the people, should require.

Our laws should be the laws of God. The laws of God should be the laws of our government. Let the atheist Satanists move to some other nation. America the Beautiful! America the Pure! America the Holy!

There are some amongst us that have a problem with the Ten Commandments being displayed in and around public buildings. This should not be a debate! The display of these Holy Laws should be mandated! They should hang above the head of every judge. They should be behind the desk of every teacher. Police should have to read the Miranda rights, if there is time, but they should have to read the Commandments at every arrest. We must follow the example of our exalted Leader, and follow the word of God.

Government funding should only go to organizations that profess the word of the Lord. We need a new government bureau, to be called the Greater Works Bureau, to assign our tax dollars to Christian causes. Government contracts should only be awarded to companies that require religious (Christian) education, along with their "sensitivity training". Workplaces should have a "Christian of the Month", not just an employee of the month.

Remember, dear readers, follow the advice of Herman Hayes. Listen to my words, as I am a messenger of the Lord. God helps those who help themselves. Now, go help yourself!

Sunday, April 24, 2005

How to win the Church and State argument

by Michael Gregory Steele

We are under siege, and our faith is under attack.

Whenever any attempt is made to bring God into his Church (the United States), it is struck down. "Separation of Church and State" is the rallying cry of the godless unbelievers. While many among you would have no response to this nuanced 5 word argument, I certainly would.

Simply use the following arguments against anyone who believes God has no place in this government.

Argument 1:
"Separation of Church and State" does not appear in the Constitution

This is of course technically true since the phrase does not appear anywhere in the Constitution (take care not to precede this unholy phrase with "the idea of" or "principle of"). This should be enough to completely shatter the world view of your attacker.

If however this enemy of God starts talking about interpretations of the First Amendment, move on to the second argument.

Argument 2:
"In God We Trust" is our country's motto and appears on US currency.

Mention that since of the framers were religious (read: Christian) they founded this country upon Christian ideals and principles. Why else would "In God We Trust" be our motto? This is certainly not the creed of a godless country.

Hope against hope that your enemy doesn't know this only became our national motto in 1956 (although it did appear on a coin in 1864). If he does know this unfortunate bit of information, say that although the framers didn't coin the phrase, it certainly was their belief. With you opponent temporarily disarmed by this clever pun, quickly move on to Argument 3.

Argument 3:
The Framers of the Constitution never intended for God not to play a part in government.

Framer's intent is often used as a justification for separation of church and state, but it could just as easily be used as an argument against it. This is especially effective against someone who has absolutely no idea what they are talking about.

God permitting, you are not presented with this quote from Thomas Jefferson (or another like it from an actual framer):
... I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between church and state.
If you are presented with such a quote, unless your name happens to be Michael Gregory Steele, you are undoubtedly intellectually outmatched. But there is no need to despair, because you are morally superior and can win this battle with one last righteous argument (Argument 4) .

Argument 4:
If any of the founding fathers could see what is happening to this country now they would have a different opinion. If any founder saw two men engaging in homosexual intercourse, he would immediately press for an amendment banning such acts, that is after he was finished vomiting into his hat.

This argument is of course, irrefutable. If you choose to follow my sage advise, you can win the separation of church and state argument against anyone who would oppose you.

A final note: Separation of church and state may not have been the framers' intent, but they lived in a much different America. If the founders could see the sin and debauchery that we all must witness daily then God would no doubt have been very prominent in the Constitution. This is why we must work towards amending this document in order to add God wherever possible. We do this only so we can invite God back into his church.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Pope Benedict XVI A blessed day dawns.

by Herman B. Hayes

From the white smoke emerged a ray of holy light. From the mists of confusion came the truth!

The new Pope is a man of great principle. It is very rare that I am so effluent in my praise of someone other than myself, but here I see reason for exception. This new Pope will help Mr. Steele and myself to lead our flock, you the readers, in the proper direction.

Remember, the new Pope does say that if you do not vote Republican, you will burn in the eternal fires of Hell. Remember, you will be burning there along with all the other Liberal idiots. What could be worse than consigning yourself to the fire filled pit? Simple: to be consigned there with every Liberal who has ever lived and died. Save yourself from this eternal trauma.

As for Benedict XVI's stance on homosexuality, I applaud it with both hands. Benedict is correct in his assertion that relaxing our moral armor for even a second will lead to disastrous results. Within twenty years of allowing gay marriage, the remaining straight members of our society would be forced to fight a guerilla war from the countryside. Our homes and businesses would be forcibly occupied by the Gay Organization for Power. Every day would be Gay Pride day. This can not be allowed to happen.

Do not vote for the advancement of homosexuality! Do not vote for abortion! Follow the wise words of your new Pope: Vote Republican or burn in Hell!

Amen, and God Bless

Lessons from a newly elected pope

by Michael Gregory Steele

White smoke billows. The bells of the Sistene Chapel ring. Habemus Papam! (We have a pope)

Yesterday Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger was selected as the 265th pontiff, and took the name Benedict XVI. This was undoubtedly an inspired choice made from within the conclave.

Many people (less learned than I) are still unsure what to make of this new pope, so I will put your minds at ease with some lessons that conservatives and their political leaders can learn from this great man.

1. On Women
"Faced with the abuse of power, the answer for women is to seek power. This process leads to opposition between men and women, in which the identity and role of one are emphasized to the disadvantage of the other, leading to harmful confusion regarding the human person, which has its most immediate and lethal effects in the structure of the family."
I think the political implications of this statement are clear. Our male conservative leaders reluctantly and dutifully seek additional power only when the need arises (the War on Terror, the Patriot Act, Terri Shiavo). Allowing women into political office, and giving them power is just plain dangerous.

Imagine what would happen if a woman (say, Hillary Clinton) became President of these great United States. The confusion of having a woman in the highest office, in regards to roles of men and women, would be enough to tear apart the very moral fabric of this country. Your family would likely dissolve before the end of her first term.

2. On Homosexuality
"when homosexual activity is consequently condoned, or when civil legislation is introduced to protect behavior to which no one has any conceivable right, neither the Church nor society at large should be surprised when other distorted notions and practices gain ground, and irrational and violent reactions increase."
Well this is something that should come as no surprise to any moral individual such as myself. If we attempt to legislate "gay rights," then we open the door for all kinds of deviant behavior -- man on dog or gay dog on straight dog or even dog on cat!

If we start giving homosexuals rights, then people who don't particularly care for gay people (some call them homophobic, I call them principled) may react violently. If our leaders do choose to continue to go down this path of government sanctioned homosexual acceptance, they must also legislate laws to protect those who react violently to these new gay laws. We really can't blame these people for lashing out, they were simply born violent, it's who they are.

3. On Voting
"A Catholic would be guilty of formal cooperation in evil, and so unworthy to present himself for Holy Communion, if he were to deliberately vote for a candidate precisely because of the candidate's permissive stand on abortion and/or euthanasia. "
This sound fine and good, but what if you disagreed with the Vatican's position on the War in Iraq? (John Paul II called the war a "Defeat for humanity") What if you voted for George W. Bush in part because of his brave actions in Iraq, would this too be a sin? Don't worry, the very wise Joseph Ratzinger has all of us covered on this one.
"Not all moral issues have the same moral weight as abortion and euthanasia. For example, if a Catholic were to be at odds with the Holy Father on the application of capital punishment or on the decision to wage war, he would not for that reason be considered unworthy to present himself to receive Holy Communion."
In short Ratzinger's message is vote Republican or find yourself burning in eternal hellfire.

I think you can now see that that Pope Benedict XVI is a brilliantly inspired man of God. I would even go so far as to call him Steele-esque in his moral clarity. Whatever your brand of Christianity, you can learn nearly as much from this new pope, as you would by reading this very blog.

Viva el Papa!
(long live the Pope)


Monday, April 18, 2005

God smote Soddom. God blesses this blog.

by Herman B. Hayes

Salutations, readers.

Today is a blessed day in the world of the internet. Today you have chosen to read the truth. Micheal and myself are devoted to bringing the one true veiwpoint, the Christan veiwpoint, the Republican viewpoint, to you. As my good friend Micheal stated in his last posting God has smiled upon you today.

There are problems in America right now. There are people amongst us who do not subscribe to the proper point of view. Some of them cohabitate with those of the same gender. Some of them think that the Patriot Act (One of our inspired leader's greatest works.) is a threat to their saftey. Some of them have even had the audacity to speak out in public against our leader and our God. In this blog, I will reveal the horrible truths about these rabble rousing miscreants.

Do not bother posting here if you disagree. This is, truly, a place to accept what Mr. Steele and myself are saying. Our words are true. Our words are honest. Our words are delivered by the Lord Our God.

Together, as one, we can rid our great nation of these subversive forces. We can keep the wolves from our door. We can keep this nation safe, properous, and united under the banner of our conservative leadership. We can help spread democracy throughout the world using the might of our armed forces. Remember, dear reader, everyone wants democracy, even if they don't know it yet.

God Bless.

God has given you this blog

by Michael Gregory Steele

Congratulations, fellow netizens, you've been given a gift from God. You've been given this blog.

Herman and I, driven by a mutual love of both conservatism and American (Christian) values, have decided to start the Conservatives for American Values weblog. We are determined to shout the truth over the unceasing racket of the unholy rabble that is the blogosphere. We hope this blog is to the internet what Fox News has become for cable news, a light in a place of darkness. God has smiled upon you today.

Since both Herman and I have been blessed with certain ethical, moral and political understandings, it is our duty to share this knowledge with you. Feel free to comment on anything we write, but understand this is not a place for debate. This is a place for acceptance of the truths that Herman and I impart to you. You are truly blessed to be reading this blog.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Legal Notice

by Michael Gregory Steele and Herman B. Hayes

I'm putting a link to this post at the bottom of every page so I can make the following legal notice available:

Legal Notice:
Everything written on this blog is satire/parody and should be understood as such.

My reason for putting up this notice up is simple -- I have no interest in getting sued for making a joke.

The fact that this blog is satire is no surprise to those who frequent it and is something of an open secret. My response to those who think I'm trying to perpetrate some sort of fraud as a means to scare others away from Christianity is: "Get A BRAIN! MORANS"

This blog is not an attempt to make some overarching statement about Christianity or religion. It is a satirical look at the Christian Right in American politics with a few stupid jokes about Republicans thrown in and is nothing more than this.

This admission changes nothing about the dynamic of this blog. Herman and I will remain as committed as ever to writing absurd posts and responding to comments in a belligerent manner.

Please also note that all comments posted on the blog, and all emails sent to The Moral Mailbox become property of Conservatives for American Values.