Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Tracking Sex Offenders

by Herman B. Hayes

Last week in the Senate it was decided that we need better monitoring of sex offenders. Well, here is my simple thought on that topic:

No kidding.

Of course we need better monitoring and tracking of sex offenders. Anyone who doubts this is either an idiot, a sex offender themselves, or is just waiting for the chance. Below, I will briefly outline what I feel should be done to keep track of these criminals, who really should have got the death penalty in the first place.
  1. Pigmentation: All released sex offenders should be required to be injected with bright red or orange pigmentation as a condition of their parole. Just stay away from the colored people.
  2. Sandwich boards: Sex offenders would be forced to wear signs stating the nature and date of their offense. They would be required to call out that pertinent information in a sing-song voice.
  3. People who live in glass houses: Upon release, sex offenders would have to live in glass or Plexiglas structures, with no hidden areas. In this manner people would always be able to know what the vile pervert was up to.
  4. Shock collars: They work on dogs, don’t they? Families that live in the vicinity of sex offenders would be provided with remote controls, enabling them to give a shock to the offender at any time.
  5. Erection alarms: For male offenders, I would propose a system that sets off a horribly loud audible alarm anytime that the criminal has an erection. This would, of course, be rendered moot by chemical or physical castration.
These are simple and affordable solutions to the problem of tracking sex offenders. Any one of them would do on their own, and a combination of one of more would be even more effective. We cannot rely on the ability of our nation’s morons to check a list to see if there is someone in their neighborhood that they should be wary of. So, in closing, this new legislation is a start. A weak, useless, tepid start.

12 Comments:

At August 02, 2005 11:58 AM, Anonymous Mary Magdalyn said...

I have a better Idea...Just remove the penis and testicals...then tatoo their forehead Sex offender- Plain and simple. I believe this would put a lesser burden upon the tax-payers..Beats having them sit around in prison for a few years..

 
At August 02, 2005 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like the shock collar idea. That sounds like fun. It would actually create an upside to sex offenders moving into your neighborhood.

I think it would be beneficial to the sex offender as well. It might build moral character or something.

 
At August 02, 2005 1:41 PM, Blogger Kirk said...

I agree with Herman and Mary in spirit, but I fear liberals will pervert these just and holy laws being proposed. With the current trend of sexual “harassment” laws, normal heterosexual men could very well be labeled “sex offenders” by the homosexuals that have infiltrated our legal system. I shudder to think of these deviants emasculating righteous heterosexual men with our own Godly laws.

 
At August 02, 2005 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I applaud Kirk for his concern over the plight of the heterosexual male, I think his fears are groundless. Everyone knows that heterosexuals are, by definition, not sex offenders. That is the domain of the homos.

 
At August 02, 2005 2:34 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

Kirk, you have made a very good point. We may need to expand on that.

 
At August 02, 2005 8:53 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Herman - I tried my best to find a flaw in your reasoning and I honestly don't see any. I would go as far as to say that you're perhaps a tad lenient. However, forcing them to publicly proclaim their sex offender status in a sing-song voice is quite clever. We may not agree on much Hermie, but I'll give you a thumbs up on that one.

 
At August 03, 2005 8:30 AM, Blogger Pete said...

Nice try Bozo's. Any real conservative can see right through your B.S.

 
At August 03, 2005 12:20 PM, Anonymous Giovanni said...

I disagree Mr. Steele, these heathens should be put to death for their abuse of minors. Let God judge them so they cannot sin again.

 
At August 03, 2005 3:46 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

giovanni: While Herman was the one who made these suggestions, I whole heartedly agree with him.

I mean of course the death penalty is always an option, but I believe a little bit of public humiliation should help keep the rest of them in line.

 
At August 05, 2005 4:57 PM, Blogger Jane said...

whilst I enjoy this site as satire at its most vinegar I do have to say something serious. What happened the Christian concept of forgiveness? Afterall the perve could have been a perve while suffering from liberal delusions caused by listening to the BBC world service and reading the NYT. He could have repented truely and started listening to FOX.

But hay what do I know I was taught that Christianity was the faith of love. But that must be the kind caring thoughtful Christ we Europeans have.

 
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