Friday, July 22, 2005

Happy Second Amendment Day!

by Herman B. Hayes

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Ahh…the holidays, such a time of happiness and cheer. A time for family, friends, good food, and the giving of gifts. I wish it could be Second Amendment Day all year long. You see, dear readers, in the Hayes household, each July 22nd we celebrate our favorite holiday. You simpletons out there can think of Second Amendment Day as being like Christmas, without the whole part about ignoring Jesus and worshipping some morbidly obese elf-tamer. We gather together, decorate the gun cabinet, and my wife bakes cookies in the shape of rifle rounds and shotgun shells. Early in the morning, we exchange gifts.

The Hayes family exchanges guns.

I love Second Amendment Day. There is no greater feeling of family togetherness than giving each other deadly weapons, weapons filled with love and lead. This year was one of the best in recent memory. My wonderful, God-fearing daughter, Mary, turned three about two months ago, give or take. That meant that she was old enough to get her first gun this year. I bought her a very nice little CO2 powered air pistol, and her first human-form silhouette targets. I almost cried tears of joy as she unwrapped her first handgun.

Terrorists lurk at the grocery store.

That is why I purchased a very concealable .380 automatic handgun for my doting wife, Ruth. She needs something to protect her while she is purchasing my food. My two sons, Jebediah and Nehemiah, fared just as well as the rest of the family this year. I bought Nehemiah, the eldest, a beautiful WASR-10. This is a clone of the AK-47, but made in the good old U.S. of A. (I would never buy a commie gun.) My middle son, Jebediah, was given a Mossberg Marine defense shotgun. I am not too fond of the neighborhoods he has to cross on his paper route. Now, who does that leave? Oh, yes, me! I felt most blessed this year. My family purchased me a genuine HK MP5. Could I be more blessed?

“Ohh, all ye heathens, huddle in your houses, for the Lord will smite thee dead!”

We finish out Second Amendment day by going from house to house, caroling. We sing about the greatness of God, and the evil ways of our neighbors. It is so much fun! Well, readers, I am tired from a day of guns, children, and merriment. Goodnight to all, and keep ‘em loaded.

11 Comments:

At July 22, 2005 4:07 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Herman,

I have officially lost what miniscule respect I had for you. You gave your little girl a CO2 gun? You wuss, she's obviously old enough for a .22. You disgust me sir.

 
At July 22, 2005 10:16 PM, Blogger MrV said...

I don't know m.r., my daughter was 5 before I bought her, her first semi automatic .22. But the look on her face was pricless.

I feel so unworthy for I over looked second amendment day for all this time. Thank you Herman for setting me straight and inspiring me....you are such an inspiration.

May the almightly surly bless you.

 
At July 23, 2005 3:52 AM, Blogger M.R. said...

mrv - A .22 auto for a five year old!? What in the holy name of Charleton Heston is your major malfunction? What is this candyassed moderate claptrap you and Herman are shoveling? By the age of five not only did I own several highpowered bolt action rifles and an M-16 with a grenade launcher, I was already phoning in bomb threats to abortion clinics.

Gentlemen, I question your parenting skills, true loyalty to the cause of conservatism and your appreciation for our second ammendment. If you were standing in front of me right now, I'd ask you in a polite yet threatening manner to get out of my sight, then I'd spit, scratch myself, wait for you to turn around and then shoot you both in the buttocks with the illegally concealed .357 Magnum I usually bring to church.

 
At July 23, 2005 1:56 PM, Blogger Herman B. Hayes said...

m.r., you are one of the last people I would ask for advice on parenting or gun ownership.

If I was looking for advice on receiving welfare or angering God then maybe I would ask you.

mrv, well now you know. It's better that you celebrate a little late than never at all.

 
At July 23, 2005 2:25 PM, Blogger a.lopex said...

whow

 
At July 23, 2005 4:38 PM, Blogger M.R. said...

Welfare! How dare you, sir? I make my money the old fashioned conservative Republican way, I lay off thousands of American workers, declare bankruptcy then retire filthy rich.

 
At July 24, 2005 10:25 AM, Blogger Ryan said...

unbelievable-


go figure...

 
At July 24, 2005 11:38 PM, Blogger Michael Gregory Steele said...

a.lopex and ryan: Thanks to the both of you for your thought provoking comments.

m.r.: I figured your conversion was just a matter of time. You can't ignore the truth for so long, regardless of how stupid you appear. Welcome, brother.

 
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